If you’ve ever shared your feelings of disappointment or sadness surrounding your birthing experience, chances are you’ve heard the cliché: “All that matters is a healthy baby.” While this statement seems obvious, it’s actually quite damaging. It perpetuates a culture of shame that makes many women feel isolated and invalidated in their feelings. New moms, it’s completely okay to feel upset about your birth experience; it does not make you a bad mother or an ungrateful person.
Take it from me: my first birth ended in an emergency cesarean section, and it was terrifying. My child’s heart rate dropped dangerously low, and I was whisked from the delivery room to the operating room in a whirlwind of panic. In those moments, I thought, “Why should I be the exception? What if my baby doesn’t make it?” Thankfully, he was born healthy and beautiful, and I was grateful for that. Yet, the trauma of that experience lingered long after. My memories are clouded with panic, and emotionally recovering was a challenge. I cried almost daily for three months, and during that time, I lost count of how many times someone told me, “The most important thing is that your baby is healthy.” My response? “Well, duh.”
When someone faces a difficult situation, the instinct is often to remind them that it could always be worse. This mindset can lead to guilt over valid emotions. Whether experiencing birth trauma or simply feeling dissatisfied with the birthing process, women have every right to their feelings. Childbirth is a transformative and stressful life event; why shouldn’t you be allowed to process it?
Telling a woman to overlook her feelings because she has a healthy baby is not just patronizing—it’s downright cruel. It suggests that her emotions are invalid simply because others have faced more severe tragedies. Yes, there are women who experience the unimaginable loss of a child during childbirth, and that’s a catastrophic event, not just a traumatic one. Comparing these experiences is inappropriate and unhelpful. Reminding new mothers of the potential for worse outcomes is an awful way to provide comfort.
So, if you know someone who has gone through a challenging birth, what should you say? Keep it simple: “I’m sorry. You made it. I’m here for you.” Remember, the new mother is still a human being with her own feelings and experiences—she deserves to be heard.
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In summary, it’s essential to normalize the conversation around the emotional complexities of childbirth. Women should feel free to express their feelings without fear of judgment. You are entitled to your experience, and acknowledging it is a vital step in the healing process.
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