This week, my therapist shared an interesting statistic: modern working mothers spend more time with their children than stay-at-home moms did in the 1950s. Honestly, I sometimes wish I could experience that simpler era of parenting. I envision those mothers enjoying gin and tonics on the porch, dressed in their tennis whites, while their children roamed freely until dinner.
Instead, here I am, glued to my phone, racing to respond to countless emails about my kids’ activities while trying to engage in “quality time” with whichever child I’m currently ferrying somewhere. How did we transition from that relaxed lifestyle to this? Those 1950s moms would likely be overwhelmed by today’s parenting demands.
In 2017, I find myself as a frazzled mom of four, juggling the chaos of three different schools in New York City. I work full-time simply to keep up with the never-ending list of obligations. Some of these obligations are self-imposed; why did I enroll my kids in football, gymnastics, soccer, and animal care classes? Yet, I felt compelled to do so to ensure they don’t miss out on valuable experiences! The anxiety of potentially depriving them of those moments is overwhelming!
Despite having unstructured time at home, my children hardly ever seem bored. Just the other day, my younger ones spent an hour gleefully pulling each other around the living room on a broom. Our laundry basket is now the hottest “toy” in the house.
My email inbox is a never-ending source of stress, filled with invitations to curriculum nights, cocktail parties, and parent-teacher conferences. Each class seems to require special snacks or events that would be catastrophic for my kids if I forgot, like bringing a stuffed animal for chapel or donating a box of rice (yes, rice!) for a school picnic. I’ve even started using iCal just to remember when Eli the stuffed elephant is coming home with us. Those 1950s moms didn’t have to deal with such a digital barrage!
And it’s not just the schools. Every extracurricular activity appears to have an orientation, mandatory viewing sessions (with awards!), and outfit changes. “Please wear black shorts and a white T-shirt this week!” Why? I now have so many overlapping events on my calendar that I can hardly see what’s actually scheduled underneath it all. Plus, I’m inundated with apps and group chats just to stay informed about my kids’ activities.
Finding time for myself is almost impossible. Even something as simple as a dentist appointment feels like a luxury. And let’s be real, the stress of constant parenting rarely lets up until late at night, when my oldest goes to bed at 9:30 p.m. until my youngest starts wandering in for water or to snuggle. Instead of spending that time reconnecting with my husband or tackling the mountain of digital photos I need to sort, I usually find myself raiding the pantry for comfort snacks, like vanilla animal crackers—paired with a shot of tequila.
Speaking of beverages, my evening glass of wine has become a near necessity. Recently, my doctor prescribed antibiotics, warning that I needed to avoid alcohol for three days. I delayed taking the medication for two weeks just so I wouldn’t have to part with my beloved evening drink.
I used to love working out, but now, simply getting the kids to their sports practices feels like my exercise for the day. I know that even a quick 30-minute session on the elliptical would help, but every time I try, I’m interrupted by calls from the school nurse or reminders about appointments, and before I know it, it’s time to pick up my son.
I feel utterly defeated. I can’t keep track of the various T-shirts my kids need for sports or remember to buy thoughtful gifts for birthday parties. I rush from reading bedtime stories to attending another parents’ gathering, only to return to help with homework that is, honestly, beyond my comprehension.
In the last four years, I’ve had only one night where no child woke me up. The stress from raising four kids has affected my first marriage, and now I navigate custody schedules, packing for different homes, and interactions with my ex, all while celebrating my new marriage. Just the other day, as I was checking emails about playdates, my husband tried to get my attention in a more intimate way. Seriously? I’m in full-on mom mode!
With my little ones sneaking into bed every night, finding time for intimacy feels impossible. I often wonder how any relationship survives this whirlwind of parenting. While I’m grateful that my new husband and I have time together every other weekend, if we didn’t, I fear we’d struggle. The demands of modern parenting can lead to marital strain and emotional exhaustion.
So what can I cut from my schedule? Maybe we could collaborate with other parents on some events, like trading off attending curriculum nights or handling parent-teacher conferences. Perhaps schools could simplify their communication and reduce the number of events. Maybe I should start skipping some of these obligations, but that would mean missing out on connections with other parents. It’s been ages since I’ve had a casual chat with a friend who doesn’t revolve around school drop-offs and pickups. Thank goodness for those fellow moms; without their support, I’m not sure I’d make it through each week.
Ultimately, I had kids because I love them dearly, and I want to share moments of joy with them—snuggling, laughing, and playing. I didn’t sign up to manage their schedules like a corporate executive.
Perhaps it’s time for a movement to reclaim our sanity as parents. We deserve the right to simply enjoy time with our children without the constant barrage of reminders, newsletters, and alerts. Parenting shouldn’t feel like a full-time job filled with forms and logistics. We need time to breathe so we can be the loving caregivers we aspire to be.
Just yesterday, I received an email about bringing in empty toilet paper rolls for a school project. No! I refuse to do it. I’m taking my kids to the local bookstore for an hour of reading and coloring, just to enjoy being with them. If that makes me a bad class mom, so be it.
In summary
The pressure of modern parenting can overwhelm even the most dedicated moms. The desire to provide enriching experiences for our children often leads to a chaotic schedule filled with responsibilities that detract from the simple joys of parenting. We must find a way to reclaim our sanity and prioritize meaningful moments with our kids over endless obligations.