November 26, 2017
As autumn approaches, my three little ones will be off to school, every day from dawn till dusk. Friends and acquaintances often ask, “What will you do with all your newfound time?” My mind races with responses: tackling laundry, cleaning dishes, grocery shopping, enjoying a jog, practicing yoga, walking the dog, managing emails, making important calls, paying bills, catching up with friends over coffee, writing, or simply taking a moment to breathe and be still — all without interruptions.
While I could share that list, I can’t shake the feeling that it may not suffice. A part of me, the version of myself that existed before I became a mother, longs for a career outside the home. I want to contribute to society in ways that extend beyond raising good humans. (And I fully respect stay-at-home parents; I’ve been one for eight years, so I understand the challenges!)
In my previous life, before motherhood became my primary identity, I worked as a social worker. I advocated for healthcare, housing, and essential resources for chronically ill individuals experiencing homelessness, fighting for their basic human rights. Although I left that field, the social injustices around us persist. Beneath my full heart as a mother, there’s a yearning to make a difference. As my children spend more hours with their teachers than with me, my desire to engage in meaningful work intensifies. I want to help mend a world that increasingly feels beyond repair.
Beyond altruism, I think about my future self at fifty. When my children reach their graduation day, I wonder if I’ll even remember who I was before they arrived and reshaped my identity. If I don’t begin to reclaim pieces of myself soon, I fear I may become lost forever.
I’ve started casually interviewing a few close friends who maintained their careers after becoming mothers. I ask them about their experiences balancing motherhood and work. I admire the clarity and confidence they possess regarding their identities as working moms. They seem to have a firm understanding of what they want and need. Each of them returned to work after maternity leave, keeping a connection to their pre-parent selves. I, however, took a leap off the working world’s edge and fell headfirst into the depths of motherhood.
Watching my friends navigate their dual identities, I sense their certainty and poise, while in contrast, I see a frazzled, weary version of myself in the mirror. Where is my drive? Where is my passion? It feels buried under layers of fear.
It’s often considered taboo to express regret, but I can’t help but feel remorse for not staying engaged in the workforce. I believe that if I had, I wouldn’t be so apprehensive about diving back in. Author Jack Canfield asserts, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear,” and I wholeheartedly agree. Before motherhood, I faced my fears when stepping into this new role. And yet, I did it. I am actively mothering three beautiful children every single day.
Facing my fears led me to embrace motherhood, and now, confronting those same fears can guide me back to work outside the home. This doesn’t diminish my role as a mother; rather, I will face this new challenge with the same emotional resilience and love that I have for my family and for myself.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of motherhood while yearning for a professional identity poses challenges. It’s a journey of self-discovery, fueled by love and determination to reclaim who I am, embracing both my roles as a mother and as a professional.