In my neighborhood, there’s a peculiar man who often catches my attention. While he appears well-groomed and friendly—engaging in light conversation with those who pass by and caring for his yard—there’s an unsettling vibe that makes me cautious. Recently, he approached my 5-year-old son, who was proudly wearing his favorite Batman shirt, and started making comments about it. Initially, I thought it was harmless. However, he soon crouched down and insisted, “You’re a big help to your mom, aren’t you? Look me in the eye.”
Despite his insistence, my son avoided eye contact, instead focusing on the sidewalk, a common reaction among kids when they feel they’re being corrected. When the man repeated his command, I interjected kindly, “He doesn’t have to look you in the eye.” Taken aback, he eventually acknowledged my son’s helpfulness and stood up.
While I imagine this man might interpret the encounter as me failing to instill respect in my child, I view it through a different lens—one that reflects a troubling trend of dominance some men exhibit towards boys.
As parents, we often become acutely aware of the gender conditioning prevalent in our culture. Observing it in action, especially with children, highlights the absurdity of rigid gender roles. For instance, I recently witnessed a mother at the playground chastising her daughter repeatedly for revealing her frilly underwear. One has to wonder who dressed her that way in the first place.
The conditioning of boys, however, is frequently more subtle. I suspect this is partly due to my own biases, as I tend to view typical boy behavior as the standard, while girls are groomed to embody “feminine” characteristics, which feel distinct from “normal.” Nevertheless, we do socialize boys into conforming to specific notions of masculinity. Like many parents, I sometimes worry that my son struggles to advocate for himself, a concern echoed by several friends regarding their sons. This collective anxiety seems disproportionately focused on boys, unlike the attention we give to girls.
It’s crucial for both boys and girls to learn self-advocacy. Yet, it appears that girls are often socialized to be more empathetic and considerate of others’ feelings, nurturing their friendships more effectively. An article in Pacific Standard highlights that men often experience profound loneliness, largely due to a lack of social skills that foster lasting friendships.
I can’t help but question whether our cultural pressure for boys to be tough, suppress their emotions, and “stand up for themselves” is hindering their ability to forge and maintain relationships. The man next door’s insistence on my son demonstrating deference made me ponder whether our societal expectations of boys prioritize hierarchy and dominance over empathy and support.
On the flip side, girls receive a clear message to prioritize the needs of others, to smooth over conflicts, and to maintain harmony. While there’s a valid argument that this can lead to negative consequences, it’s equally important for boys to learn to consider different perspectives, to forgive, and to walk away from conflict instead of seeking victory. I hope my son becomes inclusive with his classmates, especially those who are shy or struggling to fit in. After all, friendship doesn’t require one to maintain direct eye contact; it can thrive in shared experiences, side by side.
This article was originally published on October 2, 2015. For more engaging discussions, check out another one of our blog posts about gender roles.
In conclusion, as we navigate the complexities of raising boys in a world filled with rigid gender expectations, it’s vital to foster empathy and inclusivity in addition to self-advocacy. Together, we can encourage a future generation that values connection over competition.
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