My young daughter instinctively nestled her face against my shoulder as we encountered her grandparents, whom she hadn’t seen in quite some time. Though they were thrilled for this reunion, she clearly wasn’t ready to engage. With bright smiles, they reached for her, and I could feel her tiny hands clutching me tighter. Despite my inclination to pass her into their eager embrace, I found myself unable to do so. Even the awkward attempt at a “group hug” felt like an intrusion into her personal space.
I was also acutely aware of my grandparents’ potential disappointment. The thought of them feeling let down because my daughter didn’t want to hug them was hard to shake. I offered a sheepish smile, assuring them that she’d come around soon, as if it were my obligation to present a warm and affectionate child for their enjoyment. But what if she never wanted to give them a hug? Wouldn’t that be a profound disappointment for them after their long journey to see us?
Ultimately, my husband and I have made the conscious choice not to compel either of our children to hug or kiss anyone against their will, including us. When I observe my daughter hesitating to show affection to her father, it makes me uneasy. She often showers me with hugs and kisses throughout the day (possibly seeking a connection reminiscent of being in the womb), yet there are many instances when she refuses to embrace him when he returns from work or at bedtime. Despite my discomfort, we never force her to do so.
Raised in a polite household in the Midwest during the 1980s, I absorbed the values of niceness and caretaking. Ensuring others feel comfortable has always been one of my strengths. However, I now recognize that the pressure to use physical affection to make others happy can lead to detrimental consequences for children, regardless of gender. Forcing a distressed child into unwanted embraces does not teach manners; it sends the message that their own comfort is secondary to someone else’s feelings.
Empowering our children to choose who they hug allows them to assert control over their own bodies. This practice is crucial for their safety, as emphasized by the Parenting Safe Children workshop, which highlights the importance of allowing kids to set boundaries around physical affection.
You might think this idea is far-fetched, but the implications are real. A young girl who feels obligated to comfort a cousin she doesn’t want to cuddle with, or a boy who lets someone tickle him despite discomfort, are small but significant indicators that could lead to unhealthy situations in the future. Yes, we should learn to graciously accept gifts we may not love or tactfully compliment Aunt Edna’s lasagna, but we must draw the line at compromising our own bodily autonomy for someone else’s satisfaction.
Teaching our children they have the right to refuse unwanted affection also has broader implications. It may empower daughters to make informed choices about their bodies, preventing them from feeling pressured into sexual experiences before they are truly ready. If girls learn to prioritize their own comfort, they are less likely to succumb to societal pressures or manipulate situations to please others.
By fostering an understanding that their bodies are not tools for someone else’s gratification, we can help our children cultivate healthier relationships throughout their lives. Though it may be disappointing for grandparents, accepting a simple wave or a blown kiss is a small sacrifice for the greater good of their grandchildren’s well-being. Perhaps next time, my daughter will choose to embrace them on her own terms.
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Summary:
This article discusses the importance of allowing children to choose whether or not to engage in physical affection, such as hugs, in order to empower them and promote their safety. By setting boundaries, children learn to prioritize their own comfort, which can lead to healthier relationships and a stronger sense of autonomy in the future.