I recently discovered that our lawn had gone unkempt for weeks — it was a jungle out there. I half expected to find wild animals hiding in the tall grass. My partner, Mark, mentioned he had been trying to carve out time to mow it, but I hadn’t even realized it was an issue.
How Did We Reach This Point?
Quite simply, I don’t care much about our lawn, so tasks associated with its upkeep don’t cross my mind.
Lately, I’ve been coming across numerous articles discussing emotional labor and the mental load that women often bear. Often, I feel the urge to share these with Mark, not to make him feel guilty or to imply he isn’t contributing — he certainly does. My intention is more about seeking acknowledgment for the countless things I do that often leave me feeling drained. Sharing these pieces with him helps me feel understood.
I don’t seek to hand off my mental load; that feels impractical. Unless I want to add the extra stress of coordinating our schedules and grocery needs, my mental load is here to stay. Surprisingly, I’m okay with that because I know I’m not the only one carrying this load in our relationship.
Equal Partnership
I view our partnership as equal. Mark and I tackle household responsibilities together, and he has never once complained. There’s no formal discussion about who does what; we both have a clear understanding of what needs doing, and we just get it done. We don’t keep score on who did the dishes more often. If I haven’t done them and they need attending to, he steps in. If he forgets and I’m swamped, I can ask, and he’s there to help.
I realize I’m fortunate. From conversations with friends, it seems many of them are dealing with partners who neglect household duties and parenting responsibilities. I know women — a group of them — whose husbands have never tackled laundry or even changed a diaper.
Mutual Support
When I’m exhausted or forgetful, Mark understands. He does what he can to alleviate my stress because he recognizes that I’m also working diligently to make his life smoother. We’re in this marriage together, and it’s about mutual support. Marriage isn’t a simple 50/50 split of chores; it’s 100% commitment from both partners, blending what each has to offer with what the other requires.
Has Mark ever spontaneously taken a toilet brush and scrubbed the bathroom like royalty might? No, he hasn’t. But if I ask him to, I know he will. The mental effort of remembering the toilet needs cleaning and then requesting his assistance is far less taxing than doing it myself.
Asking for Help
Asking for help from Mark feels as routine as asking my doctor for a prescription refill or a waiter for extra napkins. My doctor knows I’ll need that refill, just as a waiter recognizes the need for extra napkins when I’m dining with kids. By simply asking, rather than grumbling about the effort it takes, I ensure I get the support I need.
I genuinely don’t care about the lawn, just as Mark doesn’t concern himself with how clean our toilet is. We prioritize different aspects of our home life. I acknowledge that while my mental load is significant, I also appreciate that Mark is giving his all.
I might occasionally share an article to remind him of the things I juggle mentally, but I am also aware that he alleviates much of that burden. If it ever becomes overwhelming, asking for help is a small price to pay.
Additional Resources
For more insights on navigating home insemination and related topics, check out this post on home insemination. If you’re interested in learning more about the process, Make a Mom is an excellent resource, as is this comprehensive guide on what to expect during your first IUI.
Summary
In a balanced partnership, it’s important to recognize and share the mental load. While some tasks may go unnoticed by one partner, clear communication and mutual support ensure that both individuals contribute to household responsibilities. Acknowledging each other’s efforts fosters a healthier relationship dynamic, allowing for a more equitable division of labor.