Adopting a child is often portrayed as a beautiful journey, but for us, it began as a daunting experience. When we welcomed our son from Ethiopia in 2010, I believed I had thoroughly educated myself on ethical adoption practices. I immersed myself in books, attended informative classes, and engaged with seasoned adoptive parents. My husband and I even changed agencies upon discovering questionable ethics concerning our initial choice. We were determined to do everything right, including meeting our son’s biological father in Ethiopia before finalizing the adoption.
However, once we brought our son home, the situation quickly deteriorated. His transition into our family was fraught with anxiety and fear, as he seemed to be grappling with a fight for his life. There were countless sleepless nights, and I vividly recall a moment where I broke down in the shower, overwhelmed and unsure how to face another day. We reached out to fellow adoptive parents, therapists, and doctors, but the consensus was disheartening: our son had reactive attachment disorder, or RAD.
Numerous professionals suggested that the best course of action was to re-home our son or even institutionalize him. Yet, he was only four years old! Thankfully, my courageous mother encouraged me to trust my instincts and fight for my son. I will forever be grateful for her unwavering support. What he needed most was someone who would love him unconditionally, no matter how long it took.
With the support of family, friends, therapists, and educators, our son began to reveal the remarkable person within him. As he grew more comfortable and began to communicate better in English, he shared with us that he was aware his biological mother was alive. His detailed memories were heartbreaking, making me question if we had truly done everything right during the adoption process. It was a pivotal moment that made me understand why he was struggling so much: he was fighting for a very real reason.
I had heard of others who returned to Ethiopia to connect with their biological families, so I began to investigate. I eventually found a private investigator experienced in helping families locate biological relatives. After providing him with the necessary details from our son’s documentation, we faced a long wait for updates. I was filled with anxiety, unsure of what we might discover. If his mother was indeed alive, what would that mean for our family?
The day finally arrived when I received an email from the investigator. Inside were photographs of our son’s biological family, including a woman who looked to be a maternal figure. When I showed the images to my son, he immediately shut the computer. I asked if he was alright, and he revealed that the woman in the photo was his biological mother. Seeing the tears in his eyes, I understood then how selfish I had been.
In that moment, my fears dissipated; I knew we had to facilitate a reunion, regardless of the implications for my role as his adoptive mother. His love for them was undeniable, and denying him that connection was not an option.
We maintained correspondence with the investigator, exchanging letters and photos with our son’s family. This communication allowed him to ask the difficult questions he needed answers to, which was no easy task considering the language barrier and the family’s remote location. Remarkably, this stranger became a lifeline, enabling my son to find the healing he desperately needed.
In 2015, that same investigator welcomed us into his home in Ethiopia and guided us on a challenging journey to meet our son’s family. It required hours of travel and an overnight stay in a nearby area, but we finally reached the village where our son’s family lived. The love our son received upon arrival was overwhelming, as friends and family embraced him warmly, showering him with affection and prayers.
The most poignant moment was when he and his biological mother embraced for the first time in six years. He had questions for her and his biological father, primarily about the reasons behind the adoption. Their responses were simple yet profound: they wanted a better life for him, filled with opportunities for education and escape from the poverty they faced. The most significant reason, however, was their love for him.
When our son returned from Ethiopia, he carried with him a newfound sense of belonging, not just to one family, but to two. We agreed to maintain our correspondence through letters and photos, and in the future, we hope to include phone calls and visits. Our son dreams of returning to Ethiopia with our entire family, allowing his adoptive siblings to connect with his biological siblings, and we are committed to making that dream a reality.
Our son is an extraordinary, brave, and kind individual. His desire to share his story to help others inspires me deeply. Adoption can be challenging, but the rewards of that struggle are immeasurable.
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In summary, our journey through adoption was fraught with challenges and heartache, but ultimately it led to profound healing and connection for our son. By listening to our instincts and seeking out the truth, we were able to foster a loving environment that embraced both familial ties.