Over a year ago, my partner and I made the mutual decision to separate. Though it was a choice we both agreed upon, the ensuing weeks proved to be some of the most challenging of my life. Now that we have navigated through this difficult period, I have gained valuable insights about love, loss, and the importance of letting go.
I view my former partner as a friend. We are co-parenting our three children and live nearby. I have even met and grown fond of his new girlfriend. We occasionally share lunches where we discuss our lives and the kids. Just last Sunday, he came over to drop the kids off and ended up staying for dinner. As the evening progressed, we exchanged knowing looks, signaling that it was time for him to head home. Yet, there was a mutual understanding that we are doing what’s best for ourselves and our children — and we are content with that.
Our situation may be unconventional, and some people have expressed their confusion about our separation. Initially, their comments left me perplexed. Should we remain together simply because we haven’t reached a point of animosity? Is there something worth salvaging?
I can now chuckle about those worries. The truth is, we are not making a mistake by choosing to divorce. We are preserving our relationship by stepping away now. Spending time together occasionally over a meal is vastly different from living together under one roof. While I cherish the company of many friends, that doesn’t mean I want them as life partners — and the same applies to my ex.
It’s entirely possible to care for someone without wanting to be married to them, even if it feels confusing. Our current dynamic proves that we can lead largely separate lives while still sharing in our responsibilities as parents. Our bond over our children is stronger than any lingering resentment we may feel toward each other. One reason we can set aside negativity is that we are no longer a couple.
In many respects, we still function as a family, and I feel fortunate for that. We could have attempted to stay together longer, but we both understand that it would have likely extinguished any remaining connection we had, making everything unbearable.
I know it may sound odd or even frustrating to some, but there are indeed parents who can still enjoy each other’s company for a few hours without feeling the need to be married. There are couples who recognize the importance of separating before their relationship deteriorates further. They realize that preserving whatever is left is best accomplished by parting ways, but that doesn’t imply they’ve given up or taken the easy route. It simply means they chose a different path.
Certainly, some couples can rekindle their connection and save their marriage. We, however, were not one of those couples, despite our desire to be. After multiple attempts, we recognized the necessity of moving on for the sake of our future happiness.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that walking away may be the best choice. If you can maintain civility, meet up occasionally to discuss the kids, and genuinely feel happy for each other’s progress, that’s a wonderful bonus.
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In summary, separating before reaching a breaking point can preserve a sense of friendship and support, especially when children are involved. It’s possible to remain connected and care for one another while choosing to live separate lives.