My mother always said I’m “as honest as the day is long.” While I’m not entirely sure what that means, I do know that I tend to be incredibly straightforward. The downside of being an honest person is that I often assume others share that same quality. I expect good intentions, kind hearts, and trustworthy actions—unfortunately, that’s not always the reality.
I’ve experienced the sting of misplaced trust far too many times. Whether it’s a coworker who takes credit for my work, a stranger criticizing my parenting choices, or a so-called “friend” dishing out bad advice to feel better about themselves, the disappointments have been numerous. It genuinely shocks me when I discover that people distort the truth or exaggerate facts for their own gain. I find it hard to understand how individuals can act in such a way and still find peace in their conscience.
After getting hurt repeatedly, I turned to a select group of close friends and family for guidance. However, my natural inclination to trust others often clouds my judgment in deciding whom to believe. Who truly wants the best for me, and who is simply looking to elevate their own status? To help me navigate these questions, bestselling author Nora Bennett offers some invaluable advice.
Following a disappointing experience with a “friend” who constantly provided harsh, unhelpful feedback in the guise of “brutal honesty,” Bennett devised a four-part evaluation to determine if someone is worthy of her trust:
- Do I respect this person’s taste and judgment?
- Does this person grasp what I’m trying to achieve?
- Is this person sincerely invested in my success?
- Can this person convey the truth with kindness and empathy?
In simpler terms, Bennett’s method boils down to these core questions: Is this person wise? Do they understand my situation? Are they genuinely supportive? And, importantly, are they compassionate? If the answer isn’t a resounding “yes” to all of these questions, she suggests maintaining a healthy distance and ignoring their unsolicited advice. By applying this four-part filter, Bennett surrounds herself with individuals who truly want to uplift her rather than weigh her down.
Reflecting on my own circle, I realized that those who meet all four criteria are few and far between. That’s perfectly acceptable; in our information-saturated world, we need an effective way to sift through potential advice. While it’s essential to have honest feedback, it should also be constructive and delivered with kindness.
“If I’m going to be vulnerable with you, I need to be sure I can trust you,” Bennett emphasizes. Not everyone deserves a say in our lives, even if they present their opinions as “brutal honesty.” To truly earn our trust, honesty must be accompanied by kindness.
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In summary, discerning whom to trust is essential in a world filled with mixed intentions. By applying a thoughtful evaluation process, we can better surround ourselves with those who genuinely want to see us succeed, rather than those who merely wish to voice their opinions without any kindness or consideration.