A few years ago, I picked up my son from a friend’s house only to find him in tears the moment he jumped into the car.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, taken aback.
“Nothing,” he replied, barely able to speak.
“Come on, what happened?”
“He…he…he said I throw like a girl,” he cried.
“What’s wrong with that?” I replied, but my question did nothing to stop his tears. That moment sparked my journey to challenge the damaging societal norms surrounding masculinity.
My awareness of gender-related double standards emerged almost immediately after my son was born, intensifying as he grew. It was clear he was different from many of the girls we encountered. Instead of remaining still during circle time, he dashed around the gym, climbing and exploring. He was energetic and loud—definitely a “boy.”
But what does “all boy” really mean?
The expectations society places on boys and men have long troubled me. Why must we instruct our sons, who possess the same sensitivity as girls, to hide their tears? Why do we impose unrealistic standards on them to sit still, labeling them “out of control” when they simply want to move? Why do we use comparisons to femininity as insults? What does it mean to “man up”?
Recently, I took my editor’s advice and watched The Mask You Live In, a documentary produced by Jennifer Siebel Newsom in 2015. As a mother of two sons—both of whom are sensitive in their individual ways—understanding masculinity and humanity is incredibly significant to me. How can I nurture them to become empathetic, emotionally aware men? How can I encourage them to be their true selves instead of conforming to societal expectations? How do I guide them in expressing their emotions healthily without suppressing those feelings?
If you haven’t seen this film yet, you need to prioritize it now. It has the potential to transform your approach to parenting if you have sons, and even if you don’t, it will change how you view and interact with the boys and men around you—be it a nephew, a neighbor, or a partner.
Be prepared; this film will evoke a whirlwind of emotions. I found myself teary-eyed throughout its 90 minutes and continued reflecting on it for weeks afterward.
According to its website, The Mask You Live In follows boys and young men as they strive for authenticity while contending with America’s restrictive definition of masculinity. The film features interviews with parents, boys, teens, youth advocates, educators, and even individuals within the prison system, highlighting the harm caused by societal constructs around masculinity and the implications for boys’ lives.
While I can’t encapsulate the entire movie in a few paragraphs, it primarily delves into how we teach our boys that “being a man” means rejecting anything perceived as feminine—such as sensitivity, emotions, connection, and gentleness. We deprive them of vital aspects of their humanity and inadvertently reinforce a hierarchy that contributes to issues like sexism, rape culture, and violence.
Despite receiving some lukewarm reviews for its simplistic take on complex societal issues, we need to start somewhere. The Mask You Live In prompts crucial conversations about these topics. With rising violence and sexual assault rates, we must take responsibility for how we contribute to or challenge a culture of unhealthy hypermasculinity.
Our sons deserve better; we deserve better.
When my younger son was at preschool summer camp, he received the “Most Compassionate” award. I can’t express how proud I was. That little certificate still graces our fridge four years later.
Shouldn’t we be encouraging our sons to embrace gentleness and empathy rather than just athletic achievements? Shouldn’t we celebrate their kindness, rather than only urging them to “man up”? Aren’t we responsible for nurturing their growth into fair, compassionate, and understanding individuals, rather than pushing them to be tough and aggressive?
Our little boys will grow into men, and while it may seem instantaneous, it truly takes years of guidance. It takes a community to raise a child. Those sweet little boys who once clung to their blankies will one day become men with families and careers. It’s our duty to help them discover their authentic selves. We can either continue to tell them to “man up” or encourage them to “be you” while supporting them through it all.
For more insights on navigating this journey, check out our other blog post on privacy policies here. If you’re interested in home insemination, our friends at Make a Mom are a fantastic resource for finding the right tools. Additionally, for those curious about IUI success rates, WebMD offers excellent information.
Summary
The Mask You Live In is a powerful documentary that challenges societal norms surrounding masculinity and encourages an open dialogue about emotional expression in boys. It’s essential viewing for anyone looking to understand and support the next generation in becoming their true selves.