As I navigated through the swirling autumn leaves on my drive home, the gentle late November breeze swayed the nearly bare branches along the street. During my ride, I absorbed some enlightening words from NPR. Kenneth Lonergan, a writer and director, shared his insights on loss and how we cope with it. He emphasized a crucial point: Moving on is not the same as moving forward.
When we talk about moving on from a loss, it can sometimes feel less appealing than the idea of moving forward. To move on suggests that you have completely forgotten the event, the sorrow, and the grief associated with it. It implies that the loss no longer holds the same significance, even though it likely still should. This idea conveys a sense of triviality. But in reality, after experiencing loss, none of these things occur as we hope.
At 29, I faced the greatest loss of my life. My husband and I were overjoyed to be expecting our first child, but we were unprepared for the heartbreak that awaited us. Sometimes, joy does not lead to the expected outcome. Instead of anticipation, we were met with dread and an overwhelming sorrow that cut through us like an ice pick.
When our daughter, Lily, was born at 20 weeks, she survived for just an hour and a half. We cherished each fleeting moment together—her tiny features, delicate fingers, and soft breaths. The moment she entered the world, our pregnancy ended, yet we did not simply move on; we moved forward — with Lily, in that hospital room, as a family of three.
In the days after her passing, we faced heavy decisions: Should we choose cremation or burial? What words would we choose for the obituary? Which urn would hold Lily’s remains? Amidst tears and deep sorrow, we carried our grief with us. We embraced the love we had for our daughter and supported each other through the darkest moments of our lives while keeping Lily’s memory alive.
Life continued around us—work responsibilities piled up, chores awaited, and our playful dog begged for attention. Often, the weight of sadness overshadowed any joy. Memories of a time before such a profound loss felt distant, like small boats lost at sea. We went through the motions of daily life but struggled to truly feel alive. Yet, we clung to the hope that with time, we would find a way to feel less sorrowful.
Lily’s urn rests on our dresser, held securely in a velvet box. Her doll-sized Moses basket keeps her close each night. My sister created a beautiful memory book filled with the only remnants of our lost pregnancy. On my right hand, I wear a ring adorned with the birthstones of all our children: Lily, two others who did not survive past the first trimester, and our joyful rainbow baby, Mia. Each morning, my husband clasps a silver chain around his neck, which holds the tiny footprints of both Lily and Mia. At night, he carefully places it beside him.
Our jewelry often catches the attention of our curious toddler, Mia. As she touches the gleaming stones, we share stories of her big sister, telling her how much she is loved and how Lily watches over her as a guardian angel.
Life moved on—whether we were ready or not; we chose to join in. We continued to work, prepare meals, pack diaper bags, maintain our home, and celebrate holidays. Through it all, we moved forward, carrying our grief along with the cherished memories of Lily. While the burden of sorrow has lightened from a massive suitcase to a manageable carry-on, it remains close.
Most days, thoughts of Lily fill my heart with a comforting love, although there are still triggers that can lead to deep sorrow. Words can resonate within me in ways I never anticipated before Lily’s passing. As we move forward, we strive to create a space where both joy and pain can coexist. Moving forward allows us to embrace the full spectrum of human emotions.
If you’re navigating similar experiences or exploring family planning options, consider resources like NHS’s information on IVF or check out Make a Mom’s at-home insemination kit for guidance on your journey.
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