August 10, 2023
My son, who is absolutely wonderful, is the sweetest, smartest, and most delightful little being I have ever known. We’ve shared 22 incredible months together (though my husband can claim half of his toddler charm), and motherhood has been everything I dreamed of and nothing like my worst fears. I am overwhelmingly happy.
Yet, this delightful bundle of joy has also brought me more anxiety than I have ever known. The stress of exams, recovering from personal challenges, and juggling multiple jobs pales in comparison to the worry that fills my mind these days.
Of course, none of this is my son’s fault. He is doing nothing wrong. However, I must admit, for the first time publicly, that we have concerns he might be on the autism spectrum. Processing this reality is not easy.
I know that a diagnosis cannot be made until a child is at least 2 years old. Our developmental pediatrician has made it clear that he is too young for an accurate evaluation. Therefore, we find ourselves waiting for our next appointment, which will occur shortly after his 2nd birthday, to explore and possibly confirm our concerns.
For now, we are in a holding pattern, anticipating the autism diagnosis.
Please don’t mistake this for an overreaction, or an attempt to project my fears onto my innocent child. This wait, which has lasted about two months, follows 22 months of careful observation and interaction as we have come to know our son. We didn’t arrive at the doorstep of developmental pediatrics without purpose, nor were my countless hours of researching just a passing fancy.
My son isn’t speaking yet. He doesn’t point or wave. He reached many developmental milestones late, not walking until 17 months. He has a strong fixation on repetitive actions, like flipping light switches and opening cupboard doors endlessly. Eye contact isn’t his strong suit, and he often prefers solitary play, engaging with me primarily when he wants to read the same book repeatedly.
Of course, this doesn’t definitively indicate he’s on the spectrum. He could just be quirky, as both his parents are. However, these signs together raise my concerns. They were significant enough to lead me to consult our developmental pediatrician, and to confront a topic that took me months to muster the courage to address.
So here we are, waiting for what lies ahead, whatever that may be.
In the meantime, I feel a strong desire to connect. I want to seek support, gather information, and find fellow travelers on this journey, while also reaching out to others who may be waiting for an autism diagnosis to let them know they’re not alone. Standing on the edge of special needs can feel isolating, as we try to catch a glimpse of the future. I find myself comparing my son to other toddlers, hesitant to discuss his speech and development, all while curating a perfect image on social media as I anxiously bite my nails.
Despite my efforts, I can’t help but let my mind spiral with worry, replaying endless what-if scenarios. Will he need special schooling? Will he be able to attend mainstream classes? What about college? What will his adult life look like?
The mental strain can be overwhelming, and writing is the only way I know to cope. I write to clarify my thoughts, to share our story, and to shed light on our journey for anyone seeking solace amidst their own fears for their child.
However, no discussion on this topic would be complete without acknowledging the love and hope that accompany it. My son shows immense potential; he’s a quick learner, adapting to new toys and situations with ease. He laughs and cries appropriately and has begun to give me kisses. He finds ways to communicate his needs without words, and he has even learned to be gentle with the cat. His qualities reassure me that he is growing into his own person, developing a personality and a sense of belonging in our family.
As for love, we have it in abundance. Regardless of what the diagnosis may be, it will not change my affection for him. We will continue to provide him with the resources he needs to thrive and lead a fulfilling life. We will advocate for him, encourage him, and remind him daily of our pride in him.
Because he is perfect. Just as he is. Diagnosis or not. While the waiting period is challenging, the future doesn’t have to be bleak.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, waiting for an autism diagnosis, take heart. Your family will endure. You will find your way through, just as all parents do for their children, focusing on love and support, and everything else will eventually fall into place. At least, that’s my intention… as we wait.
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Summary:
The author reflects on the emotional journey of awaiting an autism diagnosis for her son, sharing her fears, observations, and the love that underpins her parenting experience. She emphasizes the importance of connection and support during this waiting period, reassuring others in similar situations that they are not alone.