When I was growing up, family-friendly films were all about that G rating. G meant “great,” “gosh,” or “grandma-approved.” PG was for movies where someone might have let a “damn” slip or a character showed a belly button. Then there was R, where things got a bit spicy—think Dustin Hoffman dropping an F-bomb or an actress in a sheer outfit.
Fast forward to today, and G ratings are nearly extinct. The PG label often leaves parents scratching their heads about what’s suitable for their kids. Clearly, we could use a new rating system! Here are some Parent-PAA ratings that might make more sense for today’s moviegoers.
ML—Mother Lives
How many Disney flicks kick off with parents getting the axe within the first few minutes? Mothers, in particular, seem to be prime targets for the fairy-tale grim reaper. The ML rating signals that the mom (or, in a rare twist, the dad) will make it through to the end credits. This means fewer bedtime queries like, “Are you going to die soon? When will you die?”
ST—Spinal Tap
This rating means the sound effects and music in the film are cranked up to 11. Be sure to pack earplugs or noise-canceling headphones for a more enjoyable experience.
EM—Explicit Merchandising
If this movie is accompanied by an app, video game, junior novel, lunchbox, t-shirt, Halloween costume, bed sheets, and even light-up sneakers, you might want to brace yourself. If you’ve just decked out your kid’s room in “Big Hero 6” gear, you may want to hold off on this one until it hits Redbox to avoid another shopping spree.
VS—Viral Song
This film might give rise to the next “Let It Go” or, heaven forbid, another “Under the Sea.” You might think those songs are fun now, but just wait until you bump into a parent who survived the preschool years of the 90s; they may not take kindly to you humming “the seaweed is always greener…”
BBT—Bird and Bees Talk
If your child is under the impression that babies arrive via storks or that a magical being made Mommy’s belly grow, then certain scenes could spark some awkward questions. Just a heads-up: if your child rides the bus, they’ve probably already gotten an unofficial sex ed lesson from older kids.
O-12—Obnoxious 12-Year-Old
This rating means at least one character embodies the spirit of Bart Simpson or Beavis and Butthead. If they have a catchphrase (think “Ha ha!”), expect your little one to repeat it endlessly. If they pull off a goofy stunt, like jumping off the roof into a pool, good luck preventing your child from trying it out. Prepare for a post-movie car ride filled with fart jokes.
CP—Creepy Puppets
There’s nothing quite like a creepy puppet to invade a child’s nightmares. Remember when your kid was terrified of E.T.? Yeah, that’s the kind of puppet fear we’re talking about. Puppets, dolls, and even clowns can trigger primal fears in kids.
NTON—Not Tatum O’Neal
When it comes to remakes, nothing beats the originals. Sure, Jaden Smith might shine in the updated version of Bad News Bears, but nothing compares to Walter Matthau’s original Coach Buttermaker. And let’s be real, every kid should be able to crush on Jodie Foster’s tomboy character from the 70s.
One more thing to remember: the kids’ movies we adored as children would likely be rated PG-13 today, so it’s worth revisiting those classics—did you remember Tanner’s infamous line in Bad News Bears? Consider adding a TW—Tanner Warning—to your list.
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Summary:
A new set of Parent-PAA ratings could help parents navigate the world of kids’ movies more effectively. With ratings like ML (Mother Lives) and ST (Spinal Tap), these categories aim to provide clearer guidance on what to expect, including potential merchandise overload and soundtrack dangers. In a world where classic family films might not abide by today’s ratings, these new classifications could be a game-changer for movie nights.