Growing up, my parents had a steadfast rule about resolving conflicts in their marriage: never go to bed angry. They would always manage to set aside their differences and reconcile before turning in for the night. This principle even extended to my siblings and me; we were expected to mend our quarrels before bedtime, even if it meant forcing a smile while secretly crossing our fingers behind our backs.
Now, as an adult married for 18 years with two kids and a mortgage, I’m here to admit that I haven’t always adhered to that wisdom. My husband and I have had our share of intense discussions over the years, during which one or both of us have crossed the line, often leading to frustration that made us want to storm away. Admittedly, there have been nights when we’ve gone to bed without so much as a kiss, yet we still maintain a happy marriage.
While the idea of resolving everything before sleep sounds appealing, the reality is that life often gets in the way—homework needs to be done, dinner has to be prepared, and uniforms must be washed for the next day. When significant disagreements arise, sometimes it’s best to stay quiet and sleep on it. And doing so doesn’t spell doom for your relationship.
1. Avoid Saying Hurtful Things
When emotions run high, it’s tempting to lash out and “win” the argument. However, in those heated moments, you might say things you’ll regret later. Those words can linger long after the fight is over. So, while the silent treatment often gets criticized, it can protect you from being the unkind partner.
2. Time to Reflect
In the throes of conflict, it can be tough to articulate how you feel, especially in a long-term relationship filled with complex emotions. Taking time to process your feelings can be beneficial. Sometimes, this means putting your feelings on hold until you can sort through them without chaos. For me, this might mean going for a jog or taking a quiet drive to clear my head.
3. Children Complicate Matters
Young children are often oblivious to the tension between parents. When an argument breaks out, it can be easier to stay silent amidst the evening chaos. While it’s essential for kids to witness conflict resolution, they’re not the right audience for every disagreement. It can be wise to wait until you’ve had some rest before addressing the issue.
4. No Words, No Problem
Sometimes, the hurt runs so deep that you can’t find the words to express what you feel. In these instances, silence can be a necessary buffer. Those awkward moments in bed without speaking can be crucial. A good night’s sleep may give you clarity and help you approach the conversation later with a fresh perspective. Occasionally, a mediator, like a therapist, can facilitate that communication.
My husband and I have had our fair share of disagreements, and I don’t see us as failing in our marriage just because we sometimes turn off the lights on unresolved anger. What matters is that we strive to reconnect after the conflict and prioritize healthy communication.
As for that one time when I completely lost my cool in front of the neighborhood while wearing a bathrobe because the kids missed the bus on my husband’s watch? Let’s just say I felt justified in skipping the goodnight kiss. And I suspect he felt the same way. Yet, here we are, still together.
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Summary
It’s perfectly acceptable to go to bed angry at your partner sometimes. Life’s daily chaos can make it difficult to resolve conflicts immediately, and taking the time to process feelings can lead to healthier communication in the long run. Prioritizing your marriage and making an effort to reconnect after disagreements is what truly matters.