Recently, my 9-year-old son came to me with a bold request: he wanted to shave part of his head. “Just a little,” he clarified, as he pointed to a section of his hair to illustrate his idea. Caught off guard, I took a deep breath and counted to three before responding. This wasn’t something I had anticipated. However, I recalled the principle I’ve instilled in him since he first expressed a desire to chop off his long curls at just 4 years old: “Your body is your body. No one—not even me—should dictate what you do with it.”
I added, “You are beautiful, regardless of your appearance.”
The reality is, my son will encounter countless messages throughout his life about how he should dress or style his hair. Society, peers, and even strangers will impose standards on him, instructing him on how to present himself in order to fit in or be deemed attractive. In countless small moments, he’ll confront attempts to shape his self-worth based on external validation rather than his own understanding of beauty.
I don’t want to be the first person to teach him to yield to societal pressures; instead, I aim to empower him to resist them. From the time he was 4, I granted him full control over his body, adopting a mantra in our home: “Your body, your choice.” This has not always been easy for me. There were moments when he wanted to pierce his ears or dye his hair vibrant colors, and I agreed. Even when he chooses outfits I find mismatched or when he runs around the house in his birthday suit, I choose to remain silent. When he asserts his boundaries—like refusing to hug someone or asking to stop during a tickle fight—I listen.
I consistently remind him that he owns his body, that no one has the right to dictate his actions. He should always reflect on what feels right for him and what he deems beautiful or safe. I teach him the importance of saying yes and saying no, emphasizing that the answers lie within him, not in others.
So, when my son decided he wanted to partially shave his head last week, I reiterated what I always say: “Your body, your choice.” While I felt a flutter of anxiety—worrying about potential teasing or regrets—I also felt immense pride for this young boy who recognized that some might view his choice as unconventional yet embraced it anyway.
I trust in his ability to take ownership of this decision. Even if he were to wake up regretting it, I believe there is value in the experience. He thoughtfully considered what he wanted and made a decision that aligned with his emerging values. He was claiming his body and his sense of beauty with poise.
In the grand scheme of things, it’s just hair, and he’s only 9. The stakes are low whether he decides to shave his head or color it bright pink. For me, it’s essential to remember that parenting is practice for when our children grow up and face the complexities of adulthood.
I often wonder how he will respond when faced with external pressures to change—for instance, when someone suggests he compromise his values or comfort for someone else’s approval. Will he possess the strength to resist when asked to alter his body in ways that don’t align with his true self? This isn’t a matter of if, but when.
Young girls and boys don’t magically gain the strength to assert boundaries or appreciate their worth as they reach adolescence. If we don’t teach these values early on, they may struggle to navigate these challenges in adulthood.
What messages are you conveying to your children about beauty and consent? What lessons do you wish you had received growing up? By challenging the societal narratives directed at our children, we enable them to develop into confident individuals who recognize their value.
This article was originally published on July 11, 2017.
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In summary, empowering children to make choices about their bodies fosters confidence and self-awareness. By teaching them that their body belongs to them, we prepare them for future challenges and societal pressures.