This morning, I found myself wrestling with a package as I tried to retrieve a bar of soap for my shower. As I struggled with the overly complicated wrapping, my frustration escalated. Why couldn’t anyone else see that we needed a new bar of soap? Why was this packaging so unnecessarily difficult? It shouldn’t take this much effort just to get a bar of soap, but in that moment, it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I was furious, and that’s just a small glimpse into how my anxiety manifests itself daily.
Since becoming a mom, I’ve been in a constant battle against the frustration and anger that often accompany the responsibilities of motherhood and managing a household. It’s not uncommon for me to snap, yell, or make those around me miserable when my emotions get the best of me. No one wants to be that angry mom, and I certainly don’t want that title either.
The guilt that comes with my anger can be overwhelming. I often question my abilities as a mother. Perhaps my children would be better off with someone who doesn’t spiral into frustration over minor inconveniences, like a kid misplacing their shoe. I wish they didn’t witness my tears after I’ve said something hurtful in the heat of the moment, or when I react angrily to their innocent mistakes. They’re simply navigating their world, not trying to drive me mad.
I wish I didn’t have to repeatedly apologize for my outbursts and seek forgiveness from those I love most. I often wonder what it would be like to be calm and relaxed, unaffected by the daily grind of cooking dinner or managing a household. Anxiety isn’t limited to panic attacks; for me, it often manifests as an overwhelming sense of stress that clouds my judgment, leading to sharp words and an abundance of apologies.
In the heat of the moment, it feels impossible to regain control. My angry words escape faster than I can think. My mind races through an endless list of responsibilities, leaving me unable to handle even the smallest irritations. Waking up at 4 a.m. with a mental checklist only adds to my fatigue, which only fuels my anger. I find myself feeling irritable with no clear reason, except for the weight of my anxiety.
Growing up, my home often felt tense and filled with unease, and I never want that for my children. I strive to be a safe haven for them, where they understand that a spilled bowl of cereal won’t trigger a meltdown. It breaks my heart to see their worried faces seeking reassurance when they make mistakes, knowing I might react harshly.
I want my family to feel my love, even when I’m acting out of character. It’s essential for them to understand that my outbursts aren’t directed at them; instead, they often stem from my own internal battles. Sometimes, all I need is compassion, a hug, or kind words during those moments of anger. Thankfully, my kids are usually quick to forgive.
I wish I could express my desire to give them the world, which often adds to my stress and anxiety. My little ones deserve a mother who remains calm in the face of spilled milk and doesn’t rely on therapy or medication to navigate daily life. But I’ve also realized that for those who love an anxious person, withdrawing during moments of anger can seem like the best option. I understand their hesitation; I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of that anger either.
What many might not see is the sadness that lies beneath the anger. It’s painful to acknowledge the lack of control I feel and the hurt I cause to those I care about the most. Despite the moments when I appear harsh, I genuinely don’t intend to be unkind.
Yet, I’m actively working on managing my anger. Some days are better than others, but I make use of the tools I learned in therapy and rely on medication to soften the edges. I strive to adopt a more positive parenting style, letting go of triggers that exacerbate my anxiety. I’ve come to embrace the power of saying “I’m sorry” and realize that owning my truth can bring peace. My truth is that my anxiety often leads to anger, especially with those I love dearly. I’m grateful they forgive me time and again, and I hope to learn to forgive myself as well.
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Summary:
Navigating the challenges of motherhood while managing anxiety can lead to moments of frustration and anger. It’s essential to recognize that behind these outbursts lies a deep sadness and a desire to connect with loved ones. By embracing tools for self-improvement and committing to open communication, it’s possible to foster a more compassionate environment for both mothers and their children.