As a couple of strong-willed individuals, my partner and I occasionally find ourselves in disagreement. While we share the same core values, the everyday challenges—like managing finances, juggling time with family, and tackling household messes—can lead to conflict. It’s not exactly an enjoyable aspect of our relationship, but it’s a reality. Engaging in disagreements allows us to understand each other’s viewpoints better and provides an opportunity to express feelings we might otherwise keep to ourselves. As long as it remains respectful, I believe that resolving conflicts can actually strengthen our bond.
However, the difficulty arises when these disagreements occur in front of our children. Anyone who claims they never argue in front of their kids is likely not being entirely honest. Research indicates that parents who argue in sight of their children may inadvertently affect their emotional well-being, leading to higher levels of anxiety and aggression. Hearing those statistics is unsettling.
We certainly don’t intend to have heated discussions while our kids are rummaging through the kitchen for breakfast. Yet, emotions can sometimes override our intentions, and we forget that our children are listening. No parent wants to add unnecessary stress to their children’s lives, but we’re all human and imperfect.
We’re acutely aware that our disagreements impact our three daughters, ages 14, 12, and 5. They have voiced their discomfort with our arguments, expressing that such moments make them feel sad or anxious. Their feedback serves as a reminder of our responsibilities—not to suppress our emotions, but to demonstrate how to engage in constructive conflict resolution and reconcile afterward. While it’s not the ideal scenario, our arguments in front of them may actually hold us accountable.
It’s unhealthy and unrealistic to suggest that a perfect marriage is free from conflict. My partner and I want our daughters to understand that expressing one’s feelings and standing up for oneself is important, even during disagreements. We aim to model healthy communication, empathy, and respectful discourse. Most importantly, we want them to witness how we navigate our differences so they can learn to do the same.
Of course, it’s easy to say all conflicts are learning opportunities, but implementing this in the heat of the moment can be challenging. The worst sight is seeing the worry etched on my child’s face during an argument: wide eyes, a slightly open mouth, and a look of distress. Their reactions are heart-wrenching.
Yet, pretending that my partner and I never disagree is disingenuous. I don’t want to raise children who believe that love means never confronting challenges or that they should ignore their own feelings. They deserve relationships where they can express dissatisfaction in a safe environment.
When disagreements arise, we make it a point to reconnect with our girls afterward. We explain that love can coexist with conflict and assure them that our disagreements are not about them. Then, we often share a light-hearted moment—my partner might give me a playful kiss while our children giggle and tease us.
Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but how we handle it and reconcile is what truly matters for our family dynamics.
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In summary, while arguments in front of children can be distressing, they can also serve as valuable teaching moments that help children understand the dynamics of healthy relationships. By modeling constructive conflict resolution, we can equip our children with the tools they need to handle disagreements in their own lives.