Ah, that unmistakable aroma of patchouli, artisanal glycerin soap infused with cilantro, and the scent of fresh paper from the second mortgages people took out just to shop at that place—enough to overwhelm even the most stubborn cold. But when it comes to diet trends, they have it all figured out. They seem to always have something crucial to share about my food choices: why I eat what I do, why I drink what I drink, and why I think bacon is a magical food. And no, I’m not talking about people—let’s avoid that topic—but seriously, bacon deserves a break.
Sure, I’m aware that obesity can be deadly, but trying to explain that knives can also be dangerous got me escorted out by a sales rep. But before they kicked me out, I managed to snag all their pamphlets and tips, along with that overpowering aroma, to bring back home and experiment with my family. Here’s what I discovered after dabbling in the latest diet fads:
- Clean Eating: If by “clean eating” you mean consuming whatever leftovers my children leave behind as I tidy up, then yes, I’ve been doing that for ages. I bet you’ve joined the club too.
- Juice Fast: When your toddler insists on only drinking Capri Sun pouches, it feels like I’m raising a tiny version of Gandhi—except he’s fueled by sugar and has no real grievances other than the color of the sky on a given day.
- Gluten-Free: If I can prepare and serve dinner while barely moving from my couch, then it’s “gluten-free.” “Hey, can I have microwave popcorn and pickles for dinner?” “Sure, just sitting here, so it’s gluten-free.” I’m really mastering this “healthy” lifestyle!
- Plant-Based: While I indulge in cheesy scrambled eggs with crispy bacon, I just pretend it’s all quinoa, kale chips, and raw beets. Let’s be real—if my kids won’t touch a steak because it’s red, there’s no chance they’ll even consider beets. Those things are Lady Macbeth-red!
- 21-Day Fix: We embrace this one often. You know, fixing dinner for 21 days straight and having no one take a single bite. We also refer to it as the Pizza Hut fix—did you know their food is gluten-free too? I just sit back and relax while it gets delivered.
- Paleolithic Diet: This is when my kids use toy dinosaurs as utensils to eat their chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. Meanwhile, I enjoy a glass of wine out of a Tyrannosaurus Rex belly. Roar!!! I’m convinced this inspired one of Katy Perry’s catchy hits!
- Breatharian Diet: My kids love this idea because it means they don’t have to eat anything at all. But after hours of begging for candy, they inevitably conclude that meatloaf sounds way better than hunger.
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In summary, my adventures through various diets have taught me that practicality often trumps trends, and humor is essential in the chaotic world of family meals.
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