When my children were young, my criteria for their friendships were straightforward: no biting, and I had to get along with the other parent. As long as the child wasn’t a biter and their mother didn’t judge my laundry situation, playdates were a breeze. Those early years of preschool friendships laid the groundwork for some of my closest connections, and I was genuinely pleased with the friends my kids chose. The sounds of laughter and playful chaos filled our home, with teens and tweens enjoying video games or outdoor activities. For the most part, I thought we had it all figured out.
However, as my son enters his teenage years, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. He’s started dating, and to my surprise, I’ve realized that my influence over his romantic choices is diminishing. The heart wants what it wants, and as I observe my firstborn navigating dating in the era of social media, I’ve noticed that my opinion isn’t always his first consideration during those late-night texting sessions.
It’s challenging for me to hold back my thoughts on his dating choices. The days of assessing a parent’s demeanor in the preschool line are long gone, and letting my son make his own decisions about who he dates has been a real adjustment. I wasn’t ready for the anxiety that comes with the possibility of him facing heartbreak or the need to maintain composure when he expresses interest in someone who might not have the best reputation.
Additionally, the anonymity of teen dating is bewildering. Nowadays, texting has replaced lengthy phone conversations, making it impossible to eavesdrop like my parents did when I was young (yes, I’m aware of your tactics, Mom). This shift has added a level of frustration I didn’t anticipate.
That said, I refuse to remain silent about my feelings on his dating life. It’s essential for me to communicate my thoughts, especially when he mentions someone he wants to date. I believe it’s my responsibility to help him understand the complexities of relationships, even if he’s unlikely to marry at 14. I want him to be discerning and cautious with his heart.
I want him to grasp that dating isn’t a walk in the park and that establishing a healthy partnership takes effort. He should approach relationships with kindness and practicality. I want him to know that when a girl says no, it unequivocally means no, without exceptions. Furthermore, I aim to empower him with the language to express boundaries, letting him know that he never has to engage in anything he’s uncomfortable with.
Real conversations matter; texting does not equate to true dating. I hope he invites his girlfriend over to experience our family’s dynamic, as it’s an essential part of building a relationship. I want him to understand that dating can be fraught with challenges, but he’ll eventually meet someone who appreciates him, quirks and all—yes, even his obsession with Star Wars.
He doesn’t need to pretend to be someone else. It’s perfectly fine to be drawn to the intelligent girl, the quirky one, or the girl who can engage him intellectually. I want him to recognize that jealousy, anger, and hurtful words aren’t normal in relationships and should not be tolerated.
Above all, I trust that he loves his father and me and that he’s not attempting to replace us. I want him to feel free to explore his feelings, even if it means experiencing the thrill of a first kiss or the pangs of a crush.
I will continue to express my feelings, as one day, when he stands at the altar with the woman he has chosen, I’ll smile knowingly and say, “I knew it all along.”
For more insights on navigating family dynamics and relationships, check out one of our other blog posts here. Also, for a great resource on home insemination, visit Make a Mom. If you’re looking for additional information on fertility treatments, UCSF’s IVF resource is an excellent place to start.
In summary, parenting through the teenage dating phase is a complex journey filled with emotions, lessons, and the importance of communication. I must balance my protective instincts with the need to allow my son the freedom to make his own choices while guiding him through this significant stage of life.