Individuals living with high-functioning anxiety often manage to conceal their struggles quite effectively. As a physician and a parent, I can attest to this firsthand. Most days, I function exceptionally well—often, I don’t even consider myself someone who “struggles” with anxiety. But when those moments hit, they can be overwhelming and exhausting.
A Relatable Scenario
Let me illustrate this with a relatable scenario. As a busy working mom, I juggle a career and family life with my equally busy partner and our energetic toddler. We don’t venture out for glamorous evenings often, but we had one such night planned recently. I was thrilled at the prospect of celebrating with friends and family, dressing up, dancing, and enjoying a night away from our daily routine. I even splurged on a new pair of stunning heels that made me feel fabulous!
Anxiety was the last thing on my mind as I got ready for this special night. However, in retrospect, it would have been wise to consider it. I was ready for fun—until I wasn’t. Suddenly, the atmosphere shifted: sounds became muffled yet overwhelming, lights seemed blinding, and I experienced a wave of conflicting sensations. There wasn’t a clear trigger; instead, a combination of small stressors culminated in an anxiety attack—one that left me feeling drained and panicked.
Understanding the Experience
I don’t take these experiences lightly; they can be terrifying and confusing. With some distance from that disappointing evening, I can reflect on the experience with a mix of clarity and humor. It’s essential to recognize that there’s no shame in these feelings. I didn’t do anything wrong, and yet, many people avoid discussing their struggles for fear of being misunderstood or judged.
Before I began experiencing anxiety attacks and depression, I was unaware of how prevalent these issues are. When I was diagnosed, I started researching and discovered that I was among 40 million Americans with some form of anxiety disorder. Interestingly, I learned that women are more susceptible to anxiety and depressive disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder—both of which have become familiar challenges for me.
This knowledge didn’t erase my anxiety or prevent future attacks, but it did help alleviate my sense of isolation. It encouraged me to reach out for support, which took time but has been crucial to my journey. That night out, which I had anticipated so eagerly, became a moment where I had to trust my instincts and utilize the coping strategies I had developed—despite being caught off guard by my feelings.
The Rapid Changes of Anxiety
What many who haven’t faced anxiety or depression fail to grasp is how rapidly things can change. One moment, everything feels fine; the next, you’re engulfed in panic. This was my reality that night. I went from enjoying myself to battling an anxiety attack, desperately trying to suppress tears and catch my breath while feeling the urge to retreat to a bathroom stall.
Even with my understanding of anxiety, I felt embarrassed and frustrated—angry at myself and the illness that blindsided me. I knew I had to leave, but I worried others wouldn’t understand or might be upset. Five years prior, I would have forced myself to stay, risking a meltdown.
What It Feels Like
People often ask, “What does it feel like?” The honest answer? It’s awful. Your mind races uncontrollably, second-guessing every decision and assuming judgment from those around you. Breathing becomes a struggle, leading to hyperventilation as you try to regain control. You feel like a burden, convinced that you’re failing everyone.
Despite knowing these thoughts aren’t true, anxiety distorts reality. Without proper coping tools and support, anxiety attacks can be isolating and debilitating. Thankfully, I now have a network of friends and family who love me unconditionally. They understand when I say, “I need to go,” recognizing that I am as disappointed as they are.
Sharing My Journey
Today, I am more open about my anxiety and more willing to share my experiences in hopes of helping others. I want those who struggle to know they’re not alone and that anxiety doesn’t define us. I am proud to be a professional, a wife, a mother, and someone who experiences anxiety—without shame.
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Conclusion
In summary, living with high-functioning anxiety as a parent is a complex reality that involves moments of joy interspersed with unexpected challenges. Understanding, support, and open conversations are key to navigating this experience.