“You need to teach that baby a lesson!” The unsolicited advice can be overwhelming. It seems everyone suddenly has a better idea of how to raise your child than you do. As a mother and a physician, I trust my maternal instincts—while I may not have all the answers, they guide me effectively. Why does so much parenting advice contradict our natural inclinations? Perhaps I’m not alone in feeling this way. (For the record, my instincts didn’t warn me against bathing a baby with a stomach bug. Where was that wisdom?)
My primary concern at this moment is the notion of “teaching my baby a lesson.” My little one is just a short 10 months old—he doesn’t need any lessons on life. Unless we’re talking about how to brew coffee or pop the cork on a bottle of wine, he has no lessons to learn. What he truly needs is to grow, explore, and play. Most importantly, he requires love and affection, not discipline.
Recently, we’ve been hit hard by the separation anxiety phase. Just when I thought I had a handle on parenting, my son cries if I even glance toward the door. It’s exhausting, and I’m running on empty. At his recent nine-month check-up, our pediatrician confirmed he was physically healthy and developing well. I felt a wave of pride as she asked about his milestones: crawling? Check. Pulling up? Check.
But then came the dreaded question: “Is he sleeping through the night?” My heart sank. While he eventually remains asleep, getting him there is a monumental task. Before I could explain, she quickly interjected, “You need to let him cry it out.”
When I hesitated, she pressed for details. Yes, we had tried that method out of sheer desperation. But after 58 minutes of my instincts screaming in distress, I returned to a very frightened little boy, drenched in sweat and tears. Never again.
Her response was alarming. “He won. You need to teach him that you won’t come back.” Wait, did she really just suggest that my baby needs to learn that I won’t return to comfort him? My mission as a parent is to ensure he knows I will always be there for him, no matter what.
I informed her about research indicating that allowing babies to cry can elevate cortisol levels, leading to long-term alterations in their brains. She dismissed my concerns, stating that he wouldn’t remember such experiences, which left me bewildered. Just because he might not recall the pain doesn’t make it acceptable. This type of reasoning is dangerous. In today’s society, justifying harmful actions based on someone’s lack of memory is unacceptable.
Fast forward to yesterday—another episode of separation anxiety. I had to step away to complete some work. Typically, he enjoys socializing, but that day was different. As I headed for the door, his cries echoed with sheer terror. I watched the seconds tick by, knowing my little one was in distress. Upon returning, he was exhausted and refused food, overwhelmed by anxiety.
As parents, we often hear comments like:
- “He needs to learn to be alone.”
- “Crying is normal for babies.”
- “You’re spoiling him.”
- “You can’t pick him up every time he cries.”
This separation anxiety typically emerges as babies begin to crawl—it’s a natural instinct for self-preservation. It’s exhausting for caregivers, especially mothers, but it’s part of their development.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that this is not your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. We must stop allowing societal pressures to dictate our parenting styles. Trust your instincts—you know your child best. This isn’t about the “cry it out” method or self-soothing; it’s about understanding what your baby needs.
If an older child is afraid of the dark, would you lock them in a dark room to learn? No! You’d provide reassurance and support, gradually helping them face their fears. The same principle applies here. Our goal should be to teach our children that we are there for them, reinforcing their confidence in themselves.
Instead of focusing on “teaching lessons,” we need to listen to our instincts and nurture our children. You know what’s best for your baby.
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Summary
Parenting, especially during phases like separation anxiety, can be challenging. It’s crucial to trust your instincts and prioritize your child’s emotional needs over external advice. In nurturing our children, we foster their confidence and sense of security, reinforcing that we will always be there for them.