Dear Beloved Offspring,
By now, it should be clear that your mother, a medical professional, is not at her best in the morning. For your own safety, I’ve compiled a list of actions you must avoid until I’ve had my much-needed caffeine fix. (Ah, the divine elixir that transforms me from a zombie into a functional human!) Should you choose to ignore this warning, I cannot be held accountable for your well-being. Consider yourselves cautioned.
- Please refrain from thundering down the stairs like a pack of wild bison. The noise you create rivals that of a herd of woolly mammoths. I guarantee you, even a stampede of elephants would be less disruptive than your morning antics.
- Do NOT disturb me with breakfast inquiries. You’re not toddlers anymore. I relinquish all responsibility for your morning meal. I prepared dinner less than 12 hours ago, so feel free to forage for yourself. Cold pizza and mayonnaise sandwiches are perfectly acceptable breakfast options if we’re out of cereal.
- Avoid asking questions, please. Whether it’s about sleepovers, allowances, or whether you can adopt a puppy, the answer is likely to be “No!” Random inquiries about math, the distance from the Earth to the sun, or trivia about past presidents can wait until I’m awake. Let’s keep things calm until your mother is fully alert.
- Refrain from turning on the television. The thought of enduring Caillou or any Disney nonsense before I’m adequately caffeinated is unbearable. Trust me, even post-coffee, I may not be a fan, but at least the caffeine helps cultivate some patience.
- No random, annoying sounds allowed. Whistling, humming, or any form of giggling will not be tolerated. Please save the beatboxing and burping for later. I am not ready for the auditory circus that comes with breakfast.
- Do NOT report any injustices, real or imaginary. I do not want to hear about sibling squabbles or grievances, such as being called names or the last piece of bread being hogged. On second thought, perhaps it’s best to keep your brother occupied until I’ve had my morning jolt.
- No non-family members in the house. I know this only tends to happen on weekends when your friends are around, but I’m not ready for anyone outside the immediate family to see me before I’m caffeinated. Plus, let’s be honest, your behavior tends to escalate when your friends are here.
- Do NOT hover over me to check my coffee levels. This is likely to irritate me, possibly leading to the need for an extra cup of coffee, making everyone wait even longer. Just don’t do it!
Rest assured, my dear children, I will revert to my usual, patient self after a cup or two—unless it’s been one of those nights filled with sleeplessness due to nightmares or other parental duties. Give me a few moments of peace to recharge, and I promise to tackle the day together with you. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.
Sincerely,
Your Loving, Yet Uncaffeinated Doctor Mom
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Summary:
This humorous letter from a doctor mom outlines the crucial behaviors her children should avoid before she has her coffee in the morning. It emphasizes the importance of peace and quiet for her well-being, while also providing links to relevant resources on home insemination and pregnancy.