In my closet, there’s a box that holds three cherished dolls: Lila, Max, and Sam. Allow me to clarify — these dolls are part of a collection I started at the age of four when I received my first Cabbage Patch Doll (her name was Lila Rose. Despite a few cosmetic issues, she still looks great after all these years). I genuinely believed I was the caregiver for all these dolls.
So, why are my beloved dolls tucked away in a box? The answer lies with my real children. I have a 5-year-old son who pulled a face when he first met Lila and a 2-year-old who would gleefully dismantle her if given the chance. I had maintained my dolls with the hope that one day my daughter would play with them. My mom even promised to get me a beautiful trunk to keep them safe for my little girl.
I always envisioned having a daughter. Growing up with a sister, I cherished our close bond and the relationship we shared with our mother. I should mention I have a brother too, who I also adore, even if he once put Lila in the oven during our childhood antics. As a teenager and young adult, when I thought about motherhood, the vision that filled my mind was of a daughter, a mini-version of me, playing with my old dolls and performing musical numbers — my other childhood passion.
That said, I adore my boys beyond words, and I wouldn’t swap them for any other kids. However, when I discovered my second child would also be a boy, it forced me to completely re-evaluate my expectations of motherhood. The dream of having a little girl running around, resembling me, faded. I had hoped my sons might show interest in my dolls — I’m all for breaking gender norms with toys — but as it turns out, their enthusiasm lies elsewhere. I handed my son Lila, and all he did was give her a loud raspberry.
As a clinical psychologist, I often speak with mothers about the need to adjust their expectations. I specialize in cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety and stress, and I frequently encounter the anxiety that arises when children do not align with the expectations parents hold. For every mom who sees her child as a mini-me, there are numerous others asking, “Who is this kid?”
Moms also have certain expectations of what motherhood will entail. Many envision blissful moments filled with cuddles and cozy family time. However, based on my experience and what I hear from clients, motherhood rarely aligns with these idealized visions. You might have thought you would want to work full-time, only to find a yearning to stay home with your kids, or vice versa. Perhaps you assumed your partner would be more involved in parenting than they turned out to be. It’s also possible that your desire for a large family shifted to a preference for one child once you faced the reality of parenting.
I often encourage my patients to let go of their idealized ideas of motherhood and embrace their current circumstances. Moms must recalibrate their expectations to align with the realities they face, whether that’s the nature of their child, work commitments, living situations, or their relationship with their partner. Holding onto rigid notions of motherhood that don’t reflect reality only hinders effective parenting and self-care.
As for me, I have swapped my deep knowledge of the American Girl catalog for a thorough understanding of the Bruder truck catalog. I can identify a front loader from a distance and can name almost every character from Sodor. I’ve made peace with the change. Lila, Max, and Sam stay tucked away, only making appearances for fellow doll enthusiasts who visit.
It’s worth noting that my older son can recite nearly every line from the Broadway musical Hamilton, running around the house singing it. He may be a boy, but I see traces of myself in him.
If you’re curious about more parenting insights, check out our other blog post here. For those considering becoming parents, it’s also a good idea to explore resources like this one from the CDC, which provides valuable information about pregnancy. And if you’re looking into options for home insemination, this authority on the subject can help guide you.
In summary, while motherhood may not unfold as we expect, embracing the reality of our experiences can lead to deeper fulfillment in our roles as parents.