If you’ve ever delved into Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, you may recall a striking exchange between Covey and a man lamenting that he has fallen out of love with his spouse. Covey responds:
“Show her love.”
“You misunderstand. I’m not feeling it anymore.”
“Then love her actively. A lack of feeling is a valid reason to love her even more.”
“But how do I foster love when I feel none?”
“My friend, love is an action. The feeling of love is merely the result of loving acts. So, love her. Serve her. Make sacrifices. Listen, empathize, appreciate, and affirm her. Do you have the willingness to do that?”
Covey highlights the importance of being proactive—actively pursuing what you desire rather than passively waiting for it to come. But how does this manifest in daily life?
My partner, Lisa, and I crossed paths at a local home improvement store in 2004. She was the gardening expert, and I was the department manager. Our workplace rules discouraged dating, which added an element of thrill. During our shifts, I would often pull her aside for a quick kiss. I was captivated by her eyes, charm, smile, and the way she moved. Our love blossomed effortlessly.
However, over the past 12 years, we have settled into a comfortable routine. With three young children, many evenings we find ourselves on the couch, one of us on a laptop and the other on a tablet, with only the background noise of a show like Brooklyn Nine-Nine keeping us company. I never imagined love would sometimes feel like this—two people close yet worlds apart.
In those moments, it’s easy to feel disconnected, as if love is slipping away. If we can fall in love, can we not also fall out of it? It might seem that love is like an autonomous vehicle, navigating its own course.
But that’s not quite accurate. True, you likely fell in love with your partner at one point. Falling out of love, however, requires inaction, while staying in love necessitates actively steering the relationship.
Love is a Continuous Endeavor
Love is a continuous endeavor. It encompasses countless “I love you” texts, caring phone calls, heartfelt hugs, time spent together, and shared smiles. It means stepping in to care for the kids when your partner needs a breather. It’s compromising when neither party gets their way, and it involves mundane tasks like washing uniforms for a partner who is juggling shifts. Love is about managing finances when your partner struggles with budgeting or proofreading their countless essays while working long hours at a hardware store to support their educational goals.
Love is watching over the kids while the other pursues a personal interest or simply enjoys some solitude. It’s about ensuring that leisure time is shared equitably. It means looking at your partner and recognizing the beauty in the sacrifices made for your family, even if their appearance has changed over the years due to childbearing.
This is what Covey meant when he said, “Love is a verb.” For those of you with children, you know this well. The love you show while tending to a sick child or helping a restless grade-schooler with their homework speaks volumes. Yet, many couples fail to apply this active notion of love to their relationships.
This concept resonates with Sheryl Paul, a counselor and best-selling author, who wrote in a Huffington Post article: “Many individuals walk away from solid relationships because their experiences don’t align with societal expectations. It’s time we shift from ‘you complete me’ to ‘you motivate me to be my best self’ or ‘with you, I can grow and deepen my ability to love.’ Dismantling the fantasy allows couples to build a solid foundation for their future.”
While Lisa and I may not excel in every aspect of these love expressions, I can confidently say that her actions reflect her love for me, just as mine do for her. The truth is that enduring love isn’t euphoric or drug-like; it’s practical, selfless, and passionate. It requires intention and action. Most importantly, it means digging deep within yourself to consciously choose to love your partner, even during frustrating moments—when they forget to load the dishwasher correctly or make that annoying noise that once charmed you.
It’s not an easy task, but then again, neither is marriage. Love is an action.
If you found this perspective helpful, be sure to check out our related posts about home insemination here and explore further insights from the experts at Make a Mom on this topic. For more comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, visit Healthline.
Conclusion
In summary, love in a marriage is not merely a feeling; it is a continuous action that requires effort, compromise, and a willingness to grow together. By embracing love as a verb, couples can create a meaningful and enduring relationship.