When my colleague invited me to a dinner gathering exclusively for women, I found myself engaging in a flurry of preparations. I checked my schedule, researched the restaurant menu (and yes, I made sure to look at the cocktail offerings), and even consulted friends on their outfit choices. I switched my outfit several times and contemplated whether to bring my larger handbag or a more compact clutch, all while wondering if I’d feel chilly without a jacket.
However, amid all this planning, there was one thing I didn’t do: I didn’t seek my partner’s permission to attend. Sure, I mentioned it to him out of common courtesy. “Hey, Sam, I’m going out with the ladies on Thursday night. Will you be home, or should I arrange for a babysitter?” But there’s a significant distinction between simply informing your spouse about your plans and actually asking for their approval.
As adults, we relish the freedom to make our own choices. While I might not have gotten that pony I longed for as a child, the truth is, as an adult, I could buy one on a whim if I chose to (though I wouldn’t actually keep it in my living room!). The essence of growing up is not to trade one authority figure for another. My husband isn’t my parent; he’s my partner in this journey.
Children often need to ask for permission because their parents are responsible for guiding them through decisions, ensuring they avoid pitfalls. Kids lack the foresight to understand the consequences of their choices, which is why parental guidance is essential. However, seeking permission from a spouse can imply a lack of trust in one another’s judgment, which isn’t a healthy dynamic.
There’s nothing wrong with discussing plans to ensure there are no scheduling conflicts. For instance, if my husband wants to enroll our son in soccer, he consults me first because it impacts both our schedules. Likewise, when he considers purchasing a new laptop, I remind him of our upcoming car maintenance costs before he decides. Ultimately, I trust him to make a sound decision that benefits our family.
This belief is reflected in our wedding vows, which emphasized love and respect without any mention of obedience. I want my dog to obey; my husband and I are equals. I have no interest in controlling him, nor would I want to be with someone who tries to dictate my actions. Mutual trust is vital in any relationship, and if one partner feels the need to control the other, it signals deeper issues that need addressing.
I have no intention of stepping into a parental role with my husband. I’m already asked countless times for permission by my children throughout the day. It’s refreshing to know that I’m married to someone who respects my autonomy and doesn’t feel the need to “allow” me to do anything.
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In summary, maintaining independence in marriage is crucial. Open communication about plans is healthy, but it’s essential to foster mutual respect and trust without veering into control.