As a pediatrician and a mother, I have come to appreciate the importance of rules in parenting. Rules provide structure and establish clear expectations, transforming the often chaotic experience of raising children into a more manageable endeavor. By creating and adhering to guidelines that align with my parenting philosophy, I have been able to find balance and maintain my sanity amid the challenges of motherhood.
When the going gets tough, I rely on these rules. Is the baby wailing uncontrollably? Time to nurse, burp, swaddle, and sway—repeat as necessary. Is my preschooler resisting bedtime? I explain the meaning of exhaustion and let her stay up with a light on, surrounded by books, until she can no longer cope. Is my fifth-grader neglecting homework? Screen time is off-limits until the work is completed. If I’ve been up at night due to nightmares, I wake my partner because it’s his turn. These guidelines are the backbone of my parenting approach, so I expect them to be respected.
But let’s be real—it’s not always straightforward. I have three daughters aged 5, 11, and 14, which means I have to implement different rules tailored to their unique needs. While one child needs constant reminders to limit screen time, another requires gentle but firm nudges to treat her parents with respect. The youngest needs clear instructions for everything—like no drawing on walls with permanent markers or taking a bath after skipping one. I firmly believe that establishing boundaries teaches children how to care for themselves and fosters qualities like kindness, honesty, and respect.
My children understand what is expected of them and accept the consequences when they fall short. More importantly, I know what I need to uphold as a parent. They depend on me to be consistent in my expectations and values. They expect clarity regarding what is safe, appropriate, kind, or unkind. However, I wish I could say that my kids follow rules cheerfully, but that would be disingenuous (and, of course, lying is not allowed).
I don’t create arbitrary rules to make my children’s lives miserable, yet they still break them from time to time. When they do, it often leaves me feeling a bit unsteady. Along with enforcing any necessary consequences, I find myself questioning whether I’m being too strict. This is most evident with my teenager, whose pushback leaves me feeling bewildered. The rules that have been effective for so long seem less impactful now as she challenges their validity, probing boundaries, and passionately defending her stance.
Why must she go to bed at 10 p.m. when she feels wide awake and has more homework? While her argument isn’t unreasonable, does she have the right to modify or disregard the rules? If she chooses to ignore them, should I impose a consequence, or is her fatigue the only penalty she needs to face? One thing is certain: what she values most is being heard. I admire her determination to express herself, even if it disrupts my comfort. I don’t want her to follow rules merely for obedience; I want her to make choices that reflect who she is and the values I hope to instill in her.
Could it be time to adjust the rules? The very thought makes me uneasy. I’m not ready to loosen my grip on the guidelines that have shaped my approach to motherhood for so long. If adjustments are made, it signals that I’m relinquishing some control, and it brings the reality that my daughter is reaching an age where she may not need me as much. As bittersweet as this realization is, I recognize that she must grow and eventually establish her own principles.
In the meantime, there are plenty of rules that I’m still committed to enforcing: no outdoor shoes on the furniture, no PG-13 movies, no boys in private spaces, no messing with my workspace, and yes, we must share a goodnight kiss, no exceptions. Why? Because I love you—and because rules are important.
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In summary, parenting requires a delicate balance of setting rules while allowing for flexibility as children grow. The dynamics shift as they mature, presenting a unique challenge for parents who strive to maintain their authority while nurturing independence. Embracing this evolution is essential for fostering resilient, self-sufficient individuals.