Parenting
By Samantha Ellis
Updated: Dec. 20, 2023
Originally Published: April 27, 2015
As a parent, my utmost desire is for my kids to be genuinely happy. But I can’t help but wonder if my words truly reflect that sentiment.
A recent article in The New York Times highlights the troubling response to a series of tragic suicides among teenagers in Palo Alto, California. The piece delves into the high expectations of achievement that permeate the culture in this affluent area, nestled between Stanford University and Silicon Valley. It also examines the role parents play—both explicitly and implicitly—in fostering this environment.
Education specialist Laura Green refers to this phenomenon as the “hidden message of parenting,” a confusing mix of aspirations and pressures that can send mixed signals to our children. While we often assure them that our primary goal is their happiness, we simultaneously focus intensely on their academic and extracurricular achievements, which can contradict that very message.
Although I don’t reside in Palo Alto, the contradictions resonate with me. I tell my daughter how much I appreciate her love for reading, only to replace her favorite book with something I deem more challenging. I express a desire to hear about her day, yet find myself interrupting her stories to inquire about her grades or recent tests.
It makes me wonder if the phrase “I just want you to be happy” has become a mere cliché, similar to “I’ll love you no matter what.” While these statements may hold truth, do our children truly comprehend them when our subsequent actions often undermine those reassurances? I love you no matter what, but I’m so disappointed to hear you got a C. I just want you to be happy, but did you make the varsity team?
Palo Alto is one of the wealthiest areas in the United States, yet it’s not alone in its relentless pursuit of achievement for its youth. The pressures faced by its students—shame over a B grade, anxiety over not receiving an Ivy League acceptance—mirror the concerns I’ve heard from high schoolers elsewhere. Such thinking is disordered at best and reflects a shared, unhealthy obsession with success that often compromises the well-being of our children.
The silver lining for parents is that we still have time to reassess our words and actions, and how we can truly support our children in becoming their happiest selves without causing harm. The important question is: are we willing to make that change?
For more insights on parenting and happiness, check out this related post on Cervical Insemination. And if you’re considering at-home insemination, Make a Mom offers reputable syringe kits to help you on your journey. For additional resources, listen to the informative podcast from the Cleveland Clinic on IVF and fertility preservation.
In summary, as parents, we must navigate the fine line between encouraging achievement and fostering genuine happiness in our children. It’s time to reflect on our messaging and ensure that our actions align with our desires for their well-being.
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