During a recent family vacation, I found a rare moment to unwind and indulge in a captivating book. Just as I was getting lost in the narrative, one of my daughters strolled in to use the attached bathroom. In an effort to enjoy a few uninterrupted minutes, I quickly shut my eyes and feigned sleep. Yes, I admit to occasionally playing dead with my kids to protect my quiet time.
After a few moments, I heard her struggling with the bathroom door. It seemed she was having difficulty getting out. Rather than rushing to assist her, I chose to wait and see if she would figure it out on her own. After about five minutes of her attempts, she finally opened the door and emerged without realizing the lesson that had unfolded: I’m raising capable individuals, not helpless ones.
I firmly believe in allowing my daughters to tackle challenges independently before stepping in. My time to influence their character is limited. As they grow, their personality traits and values will solidify, and I want them to learn self-reliance while they still have the chance. I want them to experience the joy of achieving something on their own, knowing that I won’t always be there to support them.
Too often, I hear my girls utter phrases like “I can’t” or “Help me” before even attempting simple tasks. It can be frustrating. For instance, when they are in the car, they look to me with hopeful eyes to open the door instead of simply doing it themselves. I refuse to help them until they first try. When they complain about a knotted shoelace without even attempting to untie it, I remind them that they haven’t tried yet and walk away. Similarly, when they bring me their device for help with an error message without reading it, I encourage them to solve the problem independently if they wish to continue playing.
In most instances, they manage to resolve their issues on their own, and the pride on their faces when they do is priceless. I remind them of their intelligence and capabilities, hoping to instill in them the belief that they can achieve much more than they initially think.
I want my daughters to grow into strong, independent women who can stand on their own two feet. They should understand that while it’s nice to have someone by their side, they don’t need a partner to complete them. For example, I often turn to my husband to handle tasks like cutting watermelon, which I struggle with. While I can do it, he simply does it more efficiently.
I want my daughters to know that when faced with challenges, they can either find a solution themselves or seek assistance. I don’t want them to feel helpless if they encounter an obstacle, such as a stubborn jar lid. I’ve been there, wishing for someone to help, but I learned to find a way around it, even if it meant breaking the jar to get to the pickles. It wasn’t the safest route, but that little victory was empowering.
I don’t want them to spend their lives waiting for someone else to tell them what to do. If they have goals, I encourage them to research, ask questions, and take initiative—even when others aren’t willing to assist. Life is rarely a solitary journey, but I aim to cultivate their self-motivation so they don’t settle for only what is readily available.
They need to learn how to think of solutions when they find themselves in difficult situations. Life has its ups and downs, and when challenges arise, I may not always be able to intervene. I don’t want them to rely on me for every little crisis. I want them to embrace the learning that comes from failure, knowing that it’s okay to stumble as long as they rise again with determination.
Through these small experiences—like being temporarily stuck in a bathroom or untangling a shoelace—I hope they internalize the idea that they are strong, smart, and capable. These tiny victories are stepping stones toward overcoming more significant challenges in life. I want them to avoid the mindset of waiting for a savior to resolve their issues.
I’m here for them when they genuinely need me, offering support and guidance after they’ve made an effort. I sleep peacefully knowing that by allowing my daughters to struggle and find their way, I’m equipping them to thrive, even in my absence.
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Summary
As a parent, I choose to let my daughters face challenges on their own to foster independence and resilience. By allowing them to struggle and solve problems, I aim to raise capable individuals who can thrive in life without relying on others.