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Updated: Sep. 6, 2023
Originally Published: Sep. 6, 2023
You may remember a time when intimacy was a regular part of your life. As a teenager, you were likely eager to explore it. In your early marriage, it might have felt like a nightly ritual, leaving you puzzled at friends who didn’t share the same enthusiasm. There were even periods when you couldn’t get enough of it, engaging in creative ways. But now, you find it challenging to muster the energy for intimacy even once a month. You’ve become the person you once looked down upon—the one who only has sex every couple of weeks. And guess what? That’s perfectly fine.
Let’s clarify something: You don’t owe anyone intimacy. Forget about the notions of “marital rights” or “obligations.” You are not required to engage in sexual activity with anyone against your will. It doesn’t matter if you once had an active sex life. When I first got married, I still had that youthful libido. Now? Not so much. That doesn’t mean I owe my partner the same frequency of intimacy we shared in the beginning.
The unfortunate truth is that societal norms often lead us to believe women owe men intimacy in various situations—whether he treats you to dinner, during courtship, or especially after marriage. The fear that your partner might seek affection elsewhere if you don’t comply can be overwhelming. But in a healthy relationship, no one should feel obligated to share their body.
Parenting can be incredibly demanding. Little ones cling to you, wanting to be in your lap, arms, or even your bed. When they finally drift off to sleep, your body might be craving a much-needed reprieve from the constant physical contact. It’s entirely valid to view sex as just one more demand being placed upon you at this stage in your life.
Additionally, hormonal changes after childbirth can shift your desires. Your focus may naturally gravitate toward your baby rather than your partner, which is completely normal. If you’re breastfeeding, increased prolactin levels can further dampen your libido, both mentally and physically. In this context, any intimacy you do engage in may feel like an unexpected bonus rather than an obligation.
Moreover, the presence of children in the house can complicate the situation. With a baby in your room or toddlers running around, the thought of being interrupted can put a damper on any romantic intentions. Even with locks on the door, the sound of little voices calling out for “Mommy!” can quickly kill the mood.
Postpartum changes can also affect how you perceive your body. Many women notice significant physical changes, which can lead to a lack of confidence when it comes to intimacy. I went from feeling youthful and vibrant to dealing with stretch marks and an unfamiliar body. Despite reassurances from my partner that I’m still attractive, self-doubt can overshadow those affirmations. This feeling is more common than you might think.
It’s worth noting that according to the CDC, 11 to 20% of new mothers experience symptoms of postpartum depression. This can naturally lead to a decreased interest in intimacy. Furthermore, medications for depression can impact libido and make reaching orgasm more difficult, adding an additional layer of complexity to the situation.
Ultimately, your body is yours. It’s completely acceptable to not feel in the mood—whether it’s one night, two, or an extended period. While intimacy can be enjoyable when you finally engage, it should always be your choice. Remember, saying “no” is your right—not just as a mother, but as a woman.
For more insights on self-insemination and related topics, check out this post on our other blog here. And for expert advice on at-home insemination kits, Make a Mom is a great resource. You can also refer to Healthline for comprehensive information about pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
It’s important to remember that feeling disinterested in intimacy, especially after having children, is a common experience. Hormonal changes, the demands of parenting, and body image issues can all contribute to a decreased libido. Ultimately, consent and comfort should be prioritized in any relationship, and it’s perfectly okay to say no to intimacy when you’re not feeling it.