Imagine waking up one morning, knowing today is the day you have to sit down for mediation with your ex-husband. Wait—he’s still your husband until the paperwork is finalized, which is exactly why you’re headed to mediation. It’s a complicated title to navigate. The date looms large: just three days away from what would have been the 25th anniversary of your first kiss, a moment far more cherished than your wedding day. The irony isn’t lost on you, especially given that it also coincides with a rather infamous historical date.
You and your husband have been separated for a year and a half now, navigating this new reality from different corners of the country. In English, there aren’t many suitable terms to describe someone who is both your past and present, so “ex” will have to do.
On the morning of mediation, standing in front of your closet wrapped in a towel, you’re struck by confusion. Sure, jeans are a standard choice for your job, but they don’t feel appropriate for a meeting in a polished lawyer’s office. You shiver slightly, wishing for the comfort of your robe, hanging just out of reach. Should you grab it? No time for that; you need to make a decision.
That robe is a bittersweet reminder of your past. It was a thoughtful birthday gift from him, soft yellow cotton lined with cozy terry cloth. You had wished for it, but the way it arrived—just another package—still stings when you see it. Grief can hit unexpectedly, triggered by the slightest thing: a piece of clothing, a work of art, or even moss, which your father once taught you about.
Maybe it’s time for a new robe after all.
Still standing there, you ponder not just your outfit but what emotional armor you might need for the day ahead. A Kevlar suit, perhaps? You glance at your reflection, and a wave of self-doubt washes over you. The body you see is a stark reminder of time, motherhood, and the emotional toll of your separation.
You turn to assess your rear view, which, surprisingly, doesn’t offend you as much as it used to. Gravity has been kinder to that part of you, and you take a moment to appreciate it. The rest of your figure, however, feels like a canvas of change. Your mother used to say, “Skin and bones,” and you’ve always been angular. College years had brought a roundness that felt foreign, but also strangely liberating.
Eventually, you decide on the cream sleeveless top—light and airy, yet suitable for the occasion. You pair it with a blue corduroy skirt and a lovely cashmere cardigan from your dear friend, Mia. Softness and the love of a friend seem appropriate for such a challenging moment.
As you struggle with the back zipper of the top, frustration builds. Your ex-husband used to be there to help you with this. It’s a reminder of what you’ve lost, and yet you’re determined to zip it up yourself. You catch a glimpse of your stubbornness reflected back at you, a trait that wasn’t always easy to live with, but it’s part of who you are.
Suddenly, Nina Simone’s soulful rendition of “You’d Be So Nice To Come Home To” fills the room. It brings to mind the possibility of new love, but you’re painfully aware of the obstacles ahead. You wipe away a few tears—grief, loneliness, and flickers of hope mingling together as you prepare for the mediation.
Finally, triumph washes over you as you successfully zip up the top. It’s a small victory, but it feels monumental. You make a fist pump, reveling in the notion that sometimes, it’s the little things—a beautiful song, a zipped zipper—that can spark joy in these turbulent times.
As you head downtown in your cream top, you remind yourself to stay composed. You and your ex take the subway together, an awkward semblance of a date, while inside you grapple with feelings of frustration and sadness. The mediator’s words echo in your mind, making it clear that your children need their father. You feel the weight of the room pressing down on you as the meeting unfolds.
“Let’s try some breathing exercises,” the lawyer suggests, and you shed your cardigan to ease the heat of the moment. You focus on self-love and care, recognizing that you are both fragile and strong, broken yet reborn. The fear of the unknown looms, but you know you’ll emerge on the other side, ready for whatever comes next.
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Summary
This article delves into the emotional complexities of preparing for a divorce mediation. It recounts the internal struggles of self-identity, the significance of clothing choices, and the bittersweet reminders of past relationships while emphasizing resilience and the journey toward self-acceptance.
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