When you first discover you’re expecting, one thing becomes apparent almost immediately: the first trimester can be incredibly dull. After the thrill of that positive pregnancy test, sharing the news with loved ones, and diving into baby books, there’s not much to do while you wait for ultrasounds, kicks, and that unmistakable baby bump to appear. So, what’s the next step? Download a pregnancy tracker app, of course! (Because how else would you compare your growing baby to various fruits and veggies?) While these trackers can be handy for daily reminders that you’re still pregnant, they often don’t tell the whole story. If they were completely honest, here’s what they might say:
Week 4:
Congrats! If you’re reading this, you’re in for a long journey of pregnancy. Buckle up, my friend; those ten months can feel endless. (Yep, ten months, not nine.) Raise a glass—oh wait, better stick with seltzer.
Week 6:
That so-called pregnancy glow? It’s as rare as a total solar eclipse. What they really mean is the oily sheen that comes from reverting back to your teenage years. But hey, at least your growing bust might distract from the breakout situation.
Week 9:
By now, you’ve likely realized that the $50 you spent on anti-nausea remedies would have been better spent on a mountain of carbs that genuinely do the trick. Go ahead and indulge in some late-night binge-watching of nostalgic shows while wearing your partner’s old band tee. You’re not going anywhere, and honestly, who cares about looking cute when you feel this sick? #noshame
Week 13:
If you’re trying to keep your pregnancy on the down-low at work, it might be wise to close your office door while you’re dealing with morning sickness and sneaking in cat naps under your desk. Watch out for nosy coworkers like Lisa from HR!
Week 16:
Now that everyone knows you’re pregnant, let that belly hang out. Embrace the food cravings—yes, even that third chalupa. It might just get you into maternity clothes faster and away from using your oversized tops as makeshift dresses.
Week 19:
That bizarre burger topped with chocolate and pickles might seem appealing. Better add some antacids to your shopping list! And if you’re one of those rare women craving salads, maybe keep that to yourself, okay?
Week 21:
Congratulations on hitting the halfway mark! Just a reminder that pregnancy lasts ten months. Ten. Not nine. Let’s try to keep that in mind, even if your brain feels like mush. And honestly, Hugh Grant has no idea what you’re going through.
Week 24:
This week, remember: fake wine is not a substitute for the real thing. Trust us.
Week 29:
Remember when those little kicks felt like magic? Yeah, those days are fading fast.
Week 33:
Your baby weighs about 4 pounds now, but you’ve gained 4 pounds plus 30. Math can be confusing, so don’t overthink it.
Week 37:
After rushing to complete the nursery and pack your hospital bag, you’ll find yourself staring down the fact that you could still be pregnant for another month. We don’t have any wisdom here—just sympathy.
Week 39:
Although it feels like your baby is trying to kick its way out, don’t worry. It’s not that easy!
Week 41:
Feel free to call out those who thought you’d deliver early and tell them to take a hike. It might give you a brief sense of satisfaction. Once that wears off, Ben and Jerry will be there to comfort you.
Finally, once you’ve welcomed your little one into the world, you might be eager to ditch that pregnancy tracker that’s been taunting you for nearly a year. But wait! You’ll need to download a baby tracker app now (because how else will you compare your bundle of joy to every other kid on the planet?). Rest assured, you can thank us later when you’re not frantically googling, “How much baby poop is normal?” in the wee hours of the morning. You’re welcome!
For more insights, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and if you’re considering home insemination, you might want to browse this reputable retailer for at-home insemination kits.
In summary, navigating pregnancy is a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences. From the mundane to the miraculous, every stage has its challenges and surprises.
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