Three years ago, my partner Jake and I achieved a significant milestone by purchasing our first home. We were thrilled to embrace homeownership, but the experience also revealed unexpected challenges in our marriage.
Just two months after moving in, a rare snowstorm hit our area in Oregon, and our furnace broke down. At that time, I was seven months pregnant, and we had been married for nearly a decade, having spent all those years renting. The convenience of renting came with the privilege of simply calling a landlord to address any issues. Now, I found myself in a situation where I was the landlord, the owner, and the one responsible for resolving problems.
Panic set in when Jake received my call at work about the furnace. “It’s just blowing out cool air,” I told him. “It’s only 50 degrees in here. You need to do something.” In the past, when I said, “You need to do something,” he knew what to do. This time, however, he was the one who needed to take charge, and suddenly, I could sense his anxiety.
Having exhausted our savings for the down payment and committed to a strict budget, Jake felt overwhelmed—he had no knowledge of furnace repair and no funds to hire someone. The pressure was compounded by societal expectations that he, as the man of the house, should be able to fix it.
The reality was, Jake struggled with basic repairs and had never learned how to tackle such tasks, as his father had not been present to guide him. This notion that men should inherently possess these skills is a common stereotype but one that didn’t apply to us.
When we became homeowners, we both fell into traditional gender roles, assuming certain responsibilities based on our identities as a husband and wife. If something broke, like the kitchen sink or garage door, Jake felt compelled to handle it, while I was expected to manage household aesthetics. The problem was neither of us excelled in those areas, which led to frequent disagreements.
One incident stands out: our son left a red popsicle stain on the carpet. I became frustrated trying to clean it, scrambling on my hands and knees, phone in one hand, likely reaching out to my mother for advice. It felt like a failure since we were now responsible for maintaining our home. Eventually, Jake found a YouTube video that showed how to remove the stain using steam. While we solved the problem, it was clear that I felt inadequate for not being able to tackle it myself.
Similarly, Jake felt defeated as he crouched beside the broken furnace, on the phone with his brother-in-law, trying to figure things out. The tangled mess of wires and pipes was daunting, and he feared causing more damage. In a twist of fate, I discovered the furnace was covered by our home warranty, ultimately resolving the issue.
Over time, we encountered various situations where we had to reassess our roles and responsibilities. We found that rather than adhering to outdated gender norms, collaborating based on our strengths was far more effective. We began discussing who was best suited for each task and, when neither of us had the skills, we learned together.
Reflecting on our journey, it’s evident that buying a home could have driven us apart, but instead, it forged a stronger partnership. This experience taught us the importance of teamwork and mutual support.
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Summary:
Purchasing our first home tested my partner Jake and my marriage in unforeseen ways. From a broken furnace during a snowstorm to tackling unexpected household issues, we navigated traditional gender roles and learned to collaborate based on our strengths. Ultimately, this journey taught us the value of teamwork in our relationship.