There was a moment when I encouraged my child to defend themselves physically against another child. Yes, you read that correctly. You might expect me to start with a disclaimer about my parenting choices, but looking back, I believe it was an important lesson.
Setting the Scene
Allow me to elaborate. When my son, Lucas, began pre-K, I was determined to be one of those progressive parents. I used phrases like “express your feelings,” “communicate your needs,” and “violence is never the answer.” Lucas was a gentle spirit, always displaying kindness and understanding. His teachers would often share stories of his impressive vocabulary and his ability to empathize with others. I felt proud; it seemed like evidence of my good parenting.
A Shift in Demeanor
As time passed and Lucas transitioned to a new school, I noticed a shift in his demeanor. By the end of first grade, I started to see signs of distress. His clothes would come home dirtied, and his once-pristine collars were stretched. When I inquired, he mentioned that a classmate had been roughhousing with him. For a while, I thought everything was fine. But soon, his mood changed dramatically. One day, I noticed a bruise on his cheek that sent alarm bells ringing.
“What happened?!” I asked, surprised that the school hadn’t informed me. It turned out his so-called friend had been shoving him, hitting him, and even throwing him down. It escalated further when this boy began offering my son food he was allergic to, putting Lucas in genuine danger. My confidence in my parenting crumbled. Why hadn’t he told me sooner? Where was the communication we’d worked so hard to establish?
The Reality of Bullying
Despite numerous calls to the school, little changed. The boy faced no consequences, and I was assured that staff would keep a closer watch on him. Yet, the bullying continued, and the only lesson learned by the aggressor was how to be more covert in his actions.
It became clear to me that not everyone would adhere to the same rules we were trying to instill. Lucas had already recognized this harsh reality, feeling trapped and powerless. In today’s world of overprotective parenting, we often shield our children from difficult truths, from financial struggles to unfair situations.
We wouldn’t advise a girl to simply endure unwanted physical contact; why should we expect less of our sons? My well-meaning guidance had inadvertently restrained Lucas from defending himself.
A Heart-to-Heart Conversation
That night, Lucas and I had a heart-to-heart. I made it clear that while hitting is generally wrong, there are times when self-defense is necessary. When no one is there to protect you, sometimes standing up for yourself is imperative. I shared the wisdom of Theodore Roosevelt: “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.”
Putting Lessons into Practice
The next day, Lucas put this lesson into practice. When the boy attempted to pick him up again, Lucas pushed back. The unexpected response caught the bully off guard; finally, my son made his boundaries clear: “No, I don’t want this.”
Remarkably, this led to a shift in their relationship. The bully began to understand that hurting others can lead to consequences, and they found common ground again.
Guiding Our Children
Some might argue that children can’t discern when to use force appropriately, but that’s our role as parents—to guide them. Mistakes will happen, and that’s part of life’s messy, unfair nature. While we should strive to resolve conflicts with words, it’s also essential to be prepared to stand our ground if necessary.
Further Reading
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Conclusion
In summary, advocating for self-defense and understanding the complexities of childhood interactions can lead to healthier emotional development. It’s crucial to instill values of empathy while also preparing our children to navigate challenging situations. Life will present them with difficult choices, and it’s our job to equip them for those moments.