I always envisioned myself as the ultimate “natural” parent. Growing up, my mother embraced breastfeeding and co-sleeping, which deeply influenced my own plans for motherhood. I prepared for a home water birth and, immediately after my son arrived, my partner and I fully embraced attachment parenting. We even invested in the attachment parenting bible: The Baby Book by Dr. Simmons. This book assured me that I could never hold my baby too much—after all, a mother’s embrace is the safest haven for a newborn. In those early weeks, our son rarely left my arms, and when he wasn’t nursing (which felt like every moment), I wore him in a carrier or let him sleep on my chest.
However, Dr. Simmons never claimed that putting your baby down was off-limits. He emphasized the importance of self-care for parents, a detail I overlooked in my sleep-deprived state. I craved a definitive approach to parenting, so I convinced myself that my baby needed my constant attention.
Sticking to this rigid plan didn’t guarantee happiness for either of us. My newborn often cried for hours, leaving me feeling helpless. One particularly challenging night, I attempted to nurse him, but he pushed me away. I tried to position him in the carrier, but he resisted. My partner was at work, leaving me with no alternative.
As I paced our small apartment with my screaming baby, I felt the urge to scream too. Instead, I asked myself, “What would Dr. Simmons do?” In that moment, I realized how absurd that question was. Here was a well-meaning expert whom I didn’t know personally, offering advice that was irrelevant to my urgent situation. Why was I seeking guidance from someone who wasn’t there to help me?
In desperation, I frantically assembled a baby swing we had received as a gift, all while managing to hold my wailing child. I plopped him into the swing, turned it on, and—much to my surprise—he stopped crying. Oops. Perhaps my attachment parenting ideals were not as rigid as I thought.
The truth is, no parent fits neatly into one parenting philosophy. We gather insights from various sources—books, articles, and conversations—and blend them into our unique approach. While I eventually adopted many of my mother’s methods, including extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping, I also utilized disposable diapers, ensured my children were vaccinated, and occasionally indulged in fast food.
More importantly, fixating on a single philosophy can prevent you from trusting your own instincts as a parent. We know our children better than anyone else. Our parenting instincts are powerful if only we take the time to heed them. While external advice can be beneficial, parenting is rarely a one-size-fits-all endeavor. Embrace what resonates with you, and discard what doesn’t.
I will always appreciate Dr. Simmons for his guidance, particularly his emphasis on trusting our instincts—advice that resonates with any effective parenting coach. Ultimately, he helped me realize that rigid parenting philosophies are not the answer.
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In summary, becoming a parent is not about adhering strictly to one philosophy; it’s about adapting and finding what works best for you and your family. Take the wisdom you find, and blend it with your own instincts to create a parenting style that feels right.