Dear Little One,
Though I might own T-shirts that predate your existence, in your brief three years of life, you’ve clearly mastered an impressive array of knowledge. Just ask you a question—sometimes, we don’t even need to—and you’ll provide a strong-willed opinion on any subject, from how to pronounce words to predicting the weather. The notion of being incorrect? Not in your vocabulary. You’ve been endowed with endless wisdom, and you generously share it with your adoring audience—your parents, who revolve around your universe. Here’s just a glimpse of what you’ve taught me:
- “Dog” is spelled “C-F-H,” and questioning that will have consequences.
- Toast must never be cut into triangles—unless you feel like it at that moment. And that might change.
- Dandelions are unequivocally flowers, even after you’ve blown the fluff away.
- The concept of “too cold to go without pants” is nonexistent.
- You adamantly declare you are not a baby.
- Tucking your shoelaces into your shoes counts as tying them. Yes, it does! And you can manage it solo!
- Running out of string cheese or yogurt tubes is a catastrophe of epic proportions.
- My food is always superior to whatever gourmet dish you have.
- The toilet is an intriguing place for exploration—everything fits, except for poop, which is a surprise in other areas.
- This is your side of the bed. And the other side too. And both pillows. And nearly all of the blanket.
- My hands and purse double as handy trash and food-remnant holders.
- Crackers? A food group in their own right.
- The concept of “sleeping in” has vanished—unless we need to leave early, in which case, you sleep like a log, and I face the repercussions of waking you.
- The aisles of the store are the ultimate stage for tantrums.
- If you need something, it is an immediate necessity—regardless of whether I’m busy or occupied.
- Walks are enjoyable for about two minutes before they become “carries.”
- Meals must be served in the dishes you’ve specifically requested, or else.
- Your preferences can shift in an instant, and everyone should adapt without question.
- There’s no height too daunting to climb, particularly if snacks are suspected to be nearby.
- You can thrive on Goldfish crackers for days—until I buy them in bulk, at which point they become “yucky.”
- When a nap is abruptly ended, avoiding eye contact is the best strategy.
- Pooping right before we leave the house is a masterful timing tactic, especially just after coats are on, shoes are tied, and keys are ready.
- Your perception of my schedule is nonexistent.
- All injuries deserve a Band-Aid—even the invisible ones.
- You can sleep through almost anything, except the sound of late-night snacks or your parents’ activities.
- There’s no such thing as “we’ve seen this episode too many times” in your world.
- You possess an uncanny ability to navigate directions from your seat in the back of the car.
- Rationality is not your strong suit.
- Chicken nuggets must be in fun shapes, preferably animals or dinosaurs.
- When it comes to fashion, any outfit is acceptable, and capes, rain boots, and tutus are perfectly viable for public outings.
You may be many things, little one, but reasonable and adaptable are not among them. The sooner we all come to terms with that fact, the better—for no one wants to face your wrath. Your adorableness, with those chubby cheeks and tiny fingers, can be disarming, but it doesn’t quite make up for the chaos. Almost, but not quite.
Love,
Mommy
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In summary, navigating the world of toddler behavior requires patience, adaptability, and a sense of humor. Understanding their unique perspectives can make parenting a bit easier (and more entertaining).