Updated: March 24, 2021
Originally Published: March 31, 2016
How can you ensure your child grows up to be kind rather than cruel? While there isn’t a definitive scientific answer, insights from attachment theory can guide us.
Children naturally exhibit both cruelty and kindness, but they tend to express one at a time. When we promote kindness, we inherently diminish the likelihood of cruel behavior.
So, how do these behaviors develop? Cruelty often stems from feelings of anger and frustration, which can provide a false sense of power over others. Kids don’t arrive in this world equipped with the skills for emotional self-regulation. When they feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, they might lash out as a way to reclaim control.
In contrast, kindness arises from empathy—the ability to recognize and share in the feelings of others—leading to nurturing behaviors that feel rewarding. However, empathy requires emotional security; if a child feels threatened, they may struggle to express compassion until they learn to manage their emotions effectively.
Furthermore, children are driven by pleasure; they repeat actions that have previously brought them joy. If a child learns that being cruel alleviates their feelings of powerlessness, and they aren’t guided to alternate behaviors, they may come to view cruelty as rewarding. Conversely, children who are taught emotional regulation and are encouraged in their acts of kindness will develop compassionate habits.
Additionally, children are keen imitators. They tend to mimic the actions of role models in their lives, so whether a child exhibits kindness or cruelty can depend heavily on who they observe. With this understanding, here are five practical parenting strategies to foster kindness and empathy:
1. Practice Self-Kindness
Take every chance to model empathy and compassion, demonstrating how to treat others—and yourself—with kindness.
2. Provide Empathy and Kindness Opportunities
Encourage your child to engage in kind acts and acknowledge those moments. This reinforces the neural pathways associated with kindness. However, avoid offering material rewards, as they can undermine intrinsic motivation.
3. Build Trusting Relationships
A strong bond with your child fosters a sense of safety, allowing them to better navigate conflicts and regain emotional control.
4. Encourage Mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness helps enhance your child’s self-awareness and emotional regulation. As they learn to understand their emotions, they become less intimidated by them and develop healthier coping strategies.
5. Enjoy Fiction Together
Reading stories enriches a child’s ability to understand diverse perspectives, unlike the passive activity of watching TV, which does not yield the same benefits.
Moreover, it’s crucial to teach your child how to respond to cruelty. When discussing hurtful behavior, ensure they feel secure in expressing their emotions. Avoid punitive reactions; instead, calmly articulate the issue and help them reflect on it. For instance, if they express anger by saying, “I hate you!” you might respond, “It sounds like you’re feeling upset.”
Once they’ve calmed down, discuss the feelings of the person they hurt to strengthen their empathetic understanding, which can inhibit cruel impulses and nurture protective instincts. Finally, teach them how to offer a meaningful apology, which includes recognizing their mistake (self-awareness), understanding its impact (empathy), and devising a plan to amend their behavior (self-regulation). A sincere apology fosters feelings of safety and connection, reducing the chances of future cruelty.
Patience is essential; developing these neural pathways takes time and practice. Reacting with anger or punishment can increase fear, which may inhibit empathy and inadvertently encourage cruel behavior when you’re not around.
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In summary, raising a kind, empathetic child involves modeling compassion, providing opportunities for practice, building trust, encouraging mindfulness, and engaging in storytelling together.