Parenting represents a significant frontier in the journey of feminist progress. Many women I know, who have enjoyed the privilege of autonomy for much of their lives, find their feminist ideals challenged when they welcome children into their lives. If you, like me, derive a deep sense of identity from your career, transitioning to being a stay-at-home mom can be particularly challenging. After the birth of my second child, I made the choice to stay home, aiming to embrace the role of a nurturing mother fully. However, I must confess that “thriving” isn’t quite how I would describe my experience.
One of the most challenging aspects of this new chapter was grappling with the profound dependence that comes with parenting. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to manage my own life, but suddenly I found myself relying on others for everything from income to sleep and even moments of solitude. This shift left me feeling—dare I say it—needy and overwhelmed. How would trailblazers like Audre Lorde approach this? I pondered.
Now, a year later, I want to share the insights I’ve gathered for those embarking on this demanding yet rewarding journey.
1. Release the Labels—For Yourself
You are neither a “good” nor a “bad” mother. You are a multifaceted individual with strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else. For instance, I excel at providing emotional support but struggle with arts and crafts. I thrive on structured days but cherish unstructured playtime. I dislike being cooped up at home, so I ensure we venture out daily. This complexity reflects who I am as a mother. Just as we must embrace our varied gender identities, we should adopt a nuanced and non-judgmental view of our parenting styles.
2. Allow Yourself to Struggle
Let’s be honest: the experience of motherhood can seem fundamentally unfair. Institutional patriarchy plays a role, from the high costs of childcare to the scarcity of paid parental leave, and the burden of single parenthood. Day-to-day challenges—like sleepless nights and career disruptions—can feel disproportionately heavy.
On my better days, I remind myself that these struggles also present privileges. I get to enjoy countless moments of joy and witness my children’s growth firsthand. However, it’s perfectly normal not to feel grateful while you’re running on empty. Embrace your struggle. It’s OK to feel overwhelmed. Use that discomfort as motivation for change, whether it’s advocating for equality or exploring deeper questions about life’s purpose. These challenges are integral to the feminist movement and are a sign of healthy engagement with your role.
3. Follow Your Own Path, Just Like Before
The abundance of parenting resources—blogs, podcasts, and books—exists because no one truly knows the “right” way to parent. As we break free from traditional gender roles, we open ourselves to new values and choices. Trust your instincts. If something feels right, pursue it. My second child taught me that what worked for my first was not always applicable. No one has all the answers, and that’s okay.
4. Share the Load
This advice is particularly relevant if you have a male partner. If your situation differs, I acknowledge that your challenges may vary. It’s often easier to feel like an equal at work than at home. The differences in socialization become stark once children enter the picture. Research indicates that couples with nontraditional gender beliefs may face lower marital satisfaction, often due to mismatched expectations.
When the baby cries, your instinct may be to jump up and attend to them, while your partner might think you’ll handle it. This disconnect can lead to frustration, but don’t lash out. Instead, communicate your needs. After a particularly long night, I once handed my partner the baby and said, “I need some sleep!” The results were surprisingly positive; he was grateful for the guidance.
As my baby approaches one year, I plan to transition the morning breastfeeding routine, allowing my partner to take on more responsibilities. I’ve learned that he wants to support me; I just need to show him how.
As bell hooks states, “In the future feminist movement, we must strive to demonstrate how ending sexism positively enriches family life.” We are privileged to redefine motherhood in a way that emphasizes love and critical thinking about our roles. Through this, we can encourage our partners and children to embrace their uniqueness while revealing our own.
For more on navigating parenting challenges, check out our piece on intracervical insemination. If you’re exploring options for starting a family, Make a Mom provides excellent resources on boosting fertility. For statistical insights, the CDC offers comprehensive information about infertility and family planning.
In conclusion, stay-at-home parenting can be a complex journey filled with challenges and opportunities for growth. Embrace your identity, acknowledge your struggles, and communicate openly with your partner. Together, you can redefine your family dynamic in a way that reflects your values and aspirations.