There was a moment recently when I noticed the look on my son’s face—his eyes sparkled, and he bit his lip, trying to suppress a grin. He was proud of himself. He nodded enthusiastically, answered questions correctly, and displayed impeccable manners—just as I had taught him.
Later, he expressed how much he enjoyed this routine. “I love being a good student, especially during parent-teacher conferences when I get so many nice comments.” His words weren’t boastful; he genuinely believed in the reward system that surrounded him. I felt a rush of pride, thinking about how I had raised a child who was “a pleasure to have in the classroom.” My son was carefully collecting his gold stars because the affirmation felt wonderful.
But then a thought struck me: “Am I nurturing a praise addict?” Well, it appears I may be one myself. Coincidentally, earlier that day, I had been deep in thought, journaling about my own relationship with praise. I was engrossed in Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big, where I reflected on my dependence on positive feedback and how it might be hindering my personal growth. My son’s enthusiasm for compliments hit close to home, revealing an all-too-familiar pattern.
From a young age, I sought approval, learning to mimic the traits of responsibility and independence, using praise as a gauge of my worth. As a student, I consistently earned high grades and accolades. In my professional life, I craved acknowledgment and acceptance. It’s not just that I enjoy praise; I rely on it—it fuels my ambition.
I’ve always been willing to put in the effort, holding onto the hope that success and approval await me on the other side. Just a little recognition is all I need to keep pushing forward. This validation can come in various forms, from a simple “Great job!” from a supervisor to the likes and shares I obsessively check on social media.
I remember a yoga class where I was focused on perfecting a pose while simultaneously wondering if the instructor noticed my efforts. When he acknowledged my hard work with a “Good job,” it felt rewarding. Yes, it’s true—I’m a praise addict. And now, my bright, charming child appears to be treading the same path.
However, as Mohr points out, this reliance on praise can be limiting. When we become “hooked on compliments,” we often measure our worth and talent by external validation. To foster genuine change, we must learn to “influence authority figures, not merely appease them.”
Reading Mohr’s insights made me realize just how much work I need to do to break free from these ingrained habits. Each chapter feels like a dose of medicine I have to swallow, and I find myself resisting her anti-praise perspective. This resistance is a clear signal that I need serious reconditioning.
What’s a Parent to Do?
I want to teach my children to respect themselves, their peers, and the adults in their lives. Yet, I worry about turning them into praise-seeking machines. I don’t want them chasing accolades or external validation, only to find themselves needing therapy from the very cycle of compliments they’ve grown accustomed to.
How can we, as Mohr suggests, “unhook from praise” to avoid raising kids who crave it as they navigate the real world? In an educational landscape that emphasizes performance and being a “good kid,” it’s crucial to ensure our children don’t become approval addicts.
When my son enthusiastically shared his love for compliments, I struggled to find the right words. I had a fleeting moment of clarity, a chance to plant a seed, but my mind was blank. I wish I had said: “My dear son, you are wonderful for countless reasons. Your joy, empathy, and kindness bring value to everything you do. You are a unique mix of humor and compassion, and I hope you never lose that essence. Remember, your worth isn’t determined by compliments or how others perceive you. I want you to strive for your best, but even more, I want you to be true to yourself, even when it feels tough.”
To which he would likely respond, “Can I have dessert now?” Regardless of his understanding, my journey away from seeking praise continues, with the hope that it will eventually bear fruit. I believe that with awareness, we can strike a balance between celebrating achievements and understanding our intrinsic worth beyond external validation.
Even though I genuinely hope for feedback on my parenting, I’m learning to let go of that craving for approval—not anymore.
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Summary
As parents, we often grapple with the desire to instill self-respect and confidence in our children without fostering a dependency on praise. By recognizing our tendencies towards seeking approval, we can work towards nurturing our children’s intrinsic worth, allowing them to thrive independently in a world that often values external validation.
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