Two simple words can evoke a torrent of emotions and stir up a multitude of memories. On a seemingly ordinary evening, those words transported me back to the painful day of June 23, 2014, when I welcomed my triplets into the world, but also the day I lost my first child.
My surviving daughter, Mia, has a heartfelt bedtime routine that involves acknowledging her siblings. Above her changing table are three beautifully crafted shadowboxes, each representing one of the triplets. They contain cherished photographs and keepsakes from our journey with the 22-week micro-preemies. Mia often gazes at the shadowboxes, gently saying, “Hi Lily” and “Hi Noah.” However, one particular night took a poignant turn. As Mia reached out to greet Lily, she looked intently at the picture and said, “Wake up.”
How does one explain to a child that her identical sister will never wake up? How do I convey that Lily lived only for a few hours and her brother, Noah, for just two months? How do I express that we never had the chance to behold Lily’s beautiful eyes, their lids still sealed at 22 weeks? In that moment, I felt tears welling up and a heavy lump lodged in my throat. My little girl, who had faced such developmental challenges, was beginning to grasp the concept of sibling loss. Recently, Mia has started to find her voice—a soft yet profound sound that often catches me off guard.
I never imagined that two innocent words could be so sweet yet so profoundly heartbreaking. When Mia told her sister to “wake up,” my heart swelled with pride. She remembers her siblings, maintaining a unique connection that initiated long before their births. It dawned on me then that we would eventually need to explain to Mia why her siblings are absent from our lives. I knew this conversation would come, but I never expected it to arise so early in her life.
Lily and Noah will always be integral members of our family, and I will forever hold the title of their mother. I’m uncertain about what I will say when the time arrives or how I will help Mia understand her surviving presence, but I know we will be there to support her as she navigates her grief.
As for those two words—“wake up”—it’s a moment etched in my memory. In that instant, my fears dissipated, and maternal instinct took over. Looking at Mia, I smiled and gently said, “Lily is sleeping in heaven.” I embraced my precious daughter tightly, not wanting to release her. As tears flowed down my cheeks onto her small frame, Mia quietly echoed, “Heaven.”
For those seeking support in understanding pregnancy and family loss, I recommend visiting resources like WomensHealth.gov, which offers valuable information. Additionally, if you’re exploring options for home insemination, you might find insightful articles like this one helpful. Exploring innovative methods, such as those provided by Make A Mom, can provide further guidance in the journey of family expansion.
Summary
Losing a sibling is a profound and heart-wrenching experience that can begin to resonate even in early childhood. As a mother, I navigate the complexities of grief while nurturing my surviving daughter’s understanding of her siblings, maintaining their presence in our family’s narrative. Support and resources are available for those facing similar circumstances, ensuring that no one has to journey through this alone.