A parent recently inquired, “What’s the best way to discuss sex with my kids to ensure they remain ‘pure’ until marriage?” This question evokes troubling memories of how societal pressures can distort a child’s understanding of their own worth.
In a harrowing case, 14-year-old Anna Fisher was abducted in 2005 and endured severe abuse until her rescue. In her 2014 speech, she shared how she had been conditioned to view herself as “impure” if she engaged in sexual activity. She recalled feeling like a discarded piece of gum—something worthless and not worthy of love or respect.
While Anna’s experience is extreme, it highlights a significant issue: sexual assault is alarmingly common, affecting about 1 in 3 women and 1 in 10 men during their lifetimes. The trauma of such events is compounded when individuals internalize the notion that their value is linked to their sexual history. Teaching children that losing their ‘purity’ equates to losing their worth leaves them vulnerable, especially in a world where they may face abuse or make choices that don’t align with their upbringing.
Moreover, the focus on “purity” can be psychologically damaging even for those who don’t experience sexual assault or engage in premarital sex. Transitioning from a mindset of needing to remain “pure” to understanding that sexual intimacy is acceptable can be incredibly challenging. A poignant account from Laura James in her online article illustrates this struggle: “On my wedding night, I cried because despite being married, I felt that sex was still a sinful act, making me feel lost and ashamed.”
The best approach for parents is to provide comprehensive and age-appropriate sex education. For younger children, it’s essential to teach them the proper names for their bodies and that they have the right to refuse unwanted touch. As they grow, you can gradually introduce more complex discussions about consent and healthy relationships.
Consider teaching them about sex as akin to driving: it can be thrilling and fulfilling, but it also comes with risks and responsibilities. By framing it this way, you normalize the conversation without instilling shame. Assure them that your love and support are unwavering, regardless of the choices they make or any unfortunate events that may occur.
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Summary
The concept of ‘purity’ can be detrimental when teaching children about sex, as it may tie their self-worth to their sexual choices. Instead, parents should focus on providing accurate, age-appropriate sex education that promotes understanding and safety, reassuring children that their value is unconditional.