Not long ago, one of my sons was grappling with feelings of not being as “popular” as he wanted. We can skip over the exact implications of popularity—whether it’s a healthy aspiration or not. The crux of the matter was that my usually vibrant and socially adept child was sensing that some friends seemed to be drifting away. This shift made him a bit grumpy and reactive, which certainly added to the challenge.
We engaged in our typical discussions about who said what and who did what, emphasizing how the energy you put into the world shapes how others respond to you. We talked about how sometimes trying too hard can lead to unexpected outcomes. He listened, but it was evident he wasn’t fully absorbing the conversation. Eventually, I had an idea: I decided to name a few individuals, and I asked him to share the first three words that came to mind for each person. I mentioned some friends, family members, a teacher, and a couple of classmates. He was able to respond quite easily with descriptors like “funny,” “smart,” “energetic,” and “kind.”
Then came my pivotal question: “When people hear your name or see you enter a room, what three words would you hope they think of?” He paused, contemplating. After a moment, he offered some positive words such as “funny, cool, and intriguing.” All of those were indeed fitting descriptors. However, I prompted him to consider whether those were the words people currently associated with him, given his recent attitude. He hesitated again, admitting that perhaps they weren’t. I then asked him if those words reflected how he saw himself these days. He seemed to think not.
We delved deeper into how those chosen words could more accurately reflect not only how others perceived him but also how he felt about himself. I held up a metaphorical mirror for him to reflect on. What I appreciated about that conversation was its balance; while I guided it, he ultimately decoded the meaning himself. I avoided the common parental trap of lecturing him about his behavior. Instead, he arrived at insights organically, making the conversation less contentious and, hopefully, more impactful.
Sure, there will inevitably be bumps ahead, and I might find myself raising my voice and apologizing to my kids by bedtime. However, I felt genuinely pleased with how that dialogue unfolded. More importantly, my son felt the same, and moments like that are worth acknowledging—maybe even celebrating quietly after the kids are asleep.
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In summary, through a thoughtful conversation, my son learned to reflect on how he wants to be perceived, fostering a deeper understanding of himself and his interactions with others.
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