Last month, I shared my experiences following three miscarriages in a span of six months. While many responses were encouraging and supportive, some comments—particularly on social media platforms—lacked empathy. Although I typically avoid engaging in comment sections, I felt compelled to address some of the misconceptions and advice circulating online. Here’s what I believe needs to be clarified when it comes to miscarriage, the complexities of grief, and how we can better support those affected.
Understanding Medical Advice
First and foremost, please remember that you are not a medical professional. It’s common for well-intentioned individuals to offer unsolicited medical advice online. For example, some commenters suggested that my miscarriages were due to not allowing my body enough time to recover, while others insisted that fertility treatments were unnecessary since I could conceive. One commenter even proclaimed that I likely had lupus. Unless you are a specialist in reproductive endocrinology who has reviewed my medical records, I kindly request that you refrain from diagnosing my situation. Sharing your personal experiences is valuable, but diagnosing someone else’s health issues is not helpful.
The Right to Grieve
Next, let’s address a common misconception: a woman’s right to grieve following a miscarriage is not contingent upon her reproductive history. In one discussion, a commenter argued that a friend who had previously undergone an abortion should not be allowed to mourn a miscarriage. This line of thinking is outdated and misguided. It’s 2023; abortion is a legal choice women make for various reasons that are deeply personal and often none of your business. I had an abortion years ago, and while it was an incredibly difficult decision, it does not diminish my right to mourn my losses. Also, to the individual who suggested that undergoing a D&C following a missed miscarriage was somehow denying divine intervention—please reconsider your stance.
Respecting Individual Grief
Grief is a personal journey, and it is important to allow individuals to experience their emotions without judgment. Some commenters expressed sentiments like, “You should feel lucky that you can at least get pregnant” or “There are worse things in life.” While I acknowledge that there are greater challenges people face, that doesn’t invalidate my grief. Grief is subjective and should be respected, regardless of the circumstances.
Dictating Feelings
Lastly, it’s crucial to understand that you do not dictate how someone else should feel. A few commenters implied that my feelings of shame were unfounded, questioning how I arrived at that emotional state. Grief is often irrational, and anyone experiencing it deserves to feel what they feel without having to justify it to others.
How to Support
The bottom line is this: If you know someone who has experienced a miscarriage, the best way to support them is by listening, validating their feelings, and resisting the urge to offer solutions or judgments. This advice extends beyond miscarriage and can be applied to any personal situation you encounter, whether online or in real life.
For more insights on this topic, check out our other blog, which discusses the emotional aspects of home insemination, found at this link. Additionally, for a comprehensive understanding of pregnancy, visit Healthline. For couples navigating their fertility journey, Make A Mom offers excellent resources.
In summary, miscarriage is a deeply personal and complex experience that deserves compassion and understanding. Avoid unsolicited advice, respect individual grief, and provide support where it’s needed.