Parenting
My eldest daughter, Mia, is just shy of three, and she is absolutely remarkable. She confidently occupies her space, shows no hesitation about any disruption she causes, and even giggles when she accidentally lets one rip in public. No big deal. She embraces her existence fully.
Recently, however, I was taken aback when I heard her say, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” It was a startling moment that made me pause. As a developing feminist, I couldn’t help but wonder, “What have I done to influence this?” Moments later, she playfully smacked her baby sister, Lucy, then skipped over to the fridge, asking, “Mommy, can I have a yogurt drink?” completely oblivious to the chaos she created. I realized that her “I’m sorry” was more like a learned phrase, akin to when she overheard me talking to my partner about an embarrassing moment and then began to sing about it in the grocery store.
What troubles me is the possibility that I have inadvertently taught her that women should apologize constantly. The phrase “I’m sorry” has become a reflexive response, similar to how we use “Um” or “Ah” to fill silence. It’s all too common to hear women peppering their conversations, presentations, and social interactions with apologies, as if they need to justify their presence. I know I do this myself, but when I catch myself, I remind myself, “You have nothing to apologize for; own your space!”
This behavior was humorously highlighted by comedian Lisa Chen in a sketch featuring women in high-powered roles who get caught up in an endless loop of apologies during expert panels. It’s a comedic reflection of the internalized sexism prevalent in our society.
So why is it that women tend to apologize more than men? Research suggests that women often perceive themselves as being responsible for more offenses or mistakes. They feel compelled to apologize, even when no wrongdoing has occurred. But let’s be realistic: Are women truly less well-behaved than men? Statistically, no. The incarceration rates of men compared to women are approximately 10 to 1. When it comes to social interactions, studies indicate women are often more compassionate and altruistic, which may explain their heightened sensitivity to offending others.
This cultural tendency to apologize, especially during pauses, transitions, or when presenting ideas, stems from a societal expectation that women should prioritize others’ feelings over their own. The truth is, Mia wasn’t genuinely sorry; she was mimicking behavior she had observed from an adult—likely me. Thankfully, she hasn’t absorbed it yet, but it’s a wake-up call for me to improve.
We all have a responsibility to do better—for ourselves, our daughters, friends, mothers, and colleagues. It’s essential to own the space we occupy, uplift one another, and challenge the notions that tell women to minimize their presence and contributions.
What would it look like to consciously replace every “sorry” with “not sorry”? Perhaps that day in the store, I could have stood tall and declared, “Yes, I do have diarrhea, and that’s perfectly normal!” Imagine the empowerment that could come from refusing to apologize for simply existing.
Women who defy societal norms often create a sense of discomfort, but what if I embraced this dissonance? What if I acted on my instincts without apology? I believe that could lead to amazing opportunities, and I hope Mia remains as powerful and self-assured as she is right now.
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In summary, it’s crucial to challenge the patterns of apology that we’ve internalized and foster an environment where women can confidently assert their presence without feeling the need to apologize.