When we see discussions about adoption on social media, phrases like “born in my heart, not under it” and memes about being “chosen” and “blessed” often dominate the conversation. However, beneath these sentimental expressions lies a complex reality—the birth mother who struggles with her decision and the myriad emotions tied to the phrase “born in my heart.”
I am a proud parent to three children—two of whom were adopted (one biological child and the other two from China). Our most recent adoption was finalized over two years ago, and I now regard my children simply as my kids, rather than distinguishing between biological and adopted. The initial adjustment period has passed, and life has settled into a mix of chaos and joy, which is what I have come to understand as “normal.”
Those heartfelt adoption memes that pop up on my social media feed resonate deeply with me. My family is the result of our journey through adoption, and this experience has imparted valuable lessons about identity and life. Reflecting on how I arrived at this point in my life often prompts me to think, “How did I get here?” Much like a line from a Talking Heads song, my life in my 40s has veered away from the expectations I held in my 20s. Those years were marked by selfishness, and I never anticipated the winding path that lay ahead. Yet, I’ve come to embrace it.
Adoption has introduced me to experiences I never anticipated and has influenced every aspect of my life. Here are a few key insights I’ve gained along the way:
1. Embracing Cultural Diversity
As a white woman from South Texas, my upbringing was steeped in traditions like Thanksgiving and Tex-Mex cuisine. Welcoming Asian children into our family has broadened my cultural perspective. While my children are American—Texan, in fact—their Asian heritage brings with it a responsibility for me to honor that culture. I strive to incorporate elements of their backgrounds into our daily lives, although I sometimes feel I fall short. Celebrating the Lunar New Year and other traditions are now part of our family dynamic, offering me a broader outlook on the world.
2. Understanding Hurt and Healing
I previously viewed adoption solely as a joyous event, but the reality is far more layered. While postpartum depression is commonly recognized, post-adoption depression is less understood and can feel isolating. Witnessing the plight of children in orphanages during two visits to China left me heartbroken, as I realized not every child finds a loving family. While our motivation for adopting wasn’t to “save a child,” seeing the stark contrast has been deeply impactful.
3. Cultivating Patience and Diplomacy
I am naturally someone who prefers instant results, but adoption requires a long wait filled with paperwork and uncertainty. I’ve learned to accept the unpredictability of the process, which has made me a more patient mother. I’ve encountered many well-meaning but intrusive questions, like why we didn’t adopt children from our own country. Instead of reacting defensively, I’ve practiced guarding my children’s privacy and responding calmly, realizing that many people simply lack understanding.
4. Valuing Adoption as a Choice, Not a Compromise
Initially, I questioned whether I could love my adopted children as deeply as I would a biological child. The bonding process has been a journey, but I can confidently say that my love for them is as strong as it is for any child I could have birthed. Adoption has proven that the best things in life often come through challenges.
Adoption has transformed my life in ways I never anticipated, revealing that there is always more to learn and experience. As I navigate this unpredictable journey, I appreciate the surprises that life continues to offer. It has enriched my life in a loud, messy, and beautiful way.
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Summary
Adoption has profoundly influenced my life, teaching me about cultural diversity, emotional complexity, patience, and the depth of love that transcends biological ties. As I navigate parenting, I’ve come to appreciate the lessons and surprises that continue to shape our family.