There are three vivid memories that stand out from my first three months of motherhood. The first is the realization that if a baby has soiled their diaper, trying to get their onesie off over their head is a recipe for disaster—there will be mess everywhere. The second is the overwhelming experience of sleep deprivation, which made me bid farewell to the long, leisurely weekend naps I once enjoyed. The third, and perhaps the hardest to bear, was the emotional turmoil I faced while attempting to breastfeed.
It’s interesting to note that as a pediatrician, I spent most of my professional life discussing the importance of breastfeeding and its numerous benefits. Yet, I truly didn’t grasp the struggles many mothers encountered until I found myself in their shoes. I had envisioned breastfeeding as a natural and beautiful bonding experience, complete with serene classical music and tender moments shared with my baby—a rite of passage for mothers through the ages. Given my background, I assumed that breastfeeding would come easily to me.
However, reality turned out to be quite different. My daughter was born in the early morning hours, and as I held her for the first time, I knew this was a pivotal moment that would forever change my life. I was filled with excitement and gratitude, eager to provide her with the best possible start, which included breastfeeding.
But when the nurse handed her to me for our first feeding, I was taken aback by the pain I experienced. We adjusted positions repeatedly, yet the discomfort persisted. Soon, my daughter began to cry, realizing she wasn’t getting any milk, and my own tears followed.
I wish I could say that things improved, but they didn’t. I sought help from countless lactation consultants, fellow physicians, and colleagues. I tried herbal teas, special cookies, drinking copious amounts of water, and various techniques to boost my milk supply. I scoured the internet for hidden secrets about breastfeeding, perplexed as to why it was so difficult for me. Feeding time became a source of anxiety instead of joy, and when things didn’t go as planned, I felt defeated.
As time passed, my internal dialogue shifted. After a month of my daughter’s life, I found myself questioning my abilities as a mother. My husband and parents watched helplessly as I grappled with these feelings. I constantly compared myself to other mothers who seemed to effortlessly produce milk on command. “Why can’t I do that?” I wondered.
In the midst of this turmoil, a moment of clarity struck me one evening while watching a talk show hosted by a familiar face, David Collins. As I sat there feeling dejected, I found myself contemplating whether he had been breastfed. In the midst of typing “was David Collins breastfed” into a search engine, it struck me: I had lost perspective.
Suddenly, I saw myself from a different viewpoint—here was a new mother, consumed by self-doubt during what should have been a joyful time. If this were my daughter experiencing such pain, I would remind her that she must first care for her own soul to nurture anyone else’s. Self-compassion is essential; you cannot give what you do not have. Instead of embracing my own flaws, I had become trapped in negativity while missing the beauty of my daughter’s new life.
That night, I made a conscious decision to forgive myself. I acknowledged that I was doing my best and released my self-imposed doubts. My struggle with breastfeeding became a lesson in self-compassion that has guided me throughout my journey as a mother.
As a pediatrician, I still advocate for breastfeeding, but I place even greater emphasis on self-kindness. I do not judge how a mother chooses to feed her child, as long as she is present and nurturing. Parenting is a challenging journey, and every mother deserves compassion.
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In summary, motherhood is a complex journey filled with unexpected challenges, particularly when it comes to breastfeeding. It’s crucial to practice self-compassion and recognize that every mother’s experience is unique. Even as a pediatrician, I learned that being kind to oneself is just as important as any medical advice.