The Phrase That Irritates Working Moms

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• The Phrase That Irritates Working Moms

by Jenna Collins

Updated: Aug. 3, 2016

Originally Published: Dec. 29, 2015

I’m a full-time working mom. Each day, I clock in from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m., managing my department and leading a dedicated team. After work, I pick up my kids from after-school care, bring them home, prepare dinner, help with bath time, engage in meaningful conversations, read bedtime stories, and reassure them of my love before tucking them in. Once they’re asleep, I tackle laundry, writing, and any other tasks that need my attention during my “me time.” My weekends revolve around driving the kids to dance and swimming lessons, ensuring they can enjoy extracurricular activities that can’t fit into our busy weekdays.

This is our routine, week after week. It isn’t inherently more “difficult” or “challenging” or “exhausting” than any other style of motherhood. Trust me, I’ve experienced them all: I’ve been a stay-at-home mom, a work-at-home mom, and now, I’m a working mom. Lately, there’s one phrase that seems to pop up more frequently in my presence, and it’s really starting to annoy me: “I don’t know how you do it!”

I understand that people mean well, but this comment carries subtle implications that diminish the role of the full-time working mother. When someone says, “I don’t know how you do it,” they’re also implying…

‘It’s too much for one woman.’

When did we decide that balancing work and family was too overwhelming? When did society collectively conclude that women, who are exceptional at multitasking, couldn’t successfully juggle a career while being nurturing mothers? Why do we treat fulfilling our days with enjoyable activities as if they’re insurmountable obstacles?

‘I couldn’t do it.’

Of course, you could. In reality, you likely are already managing it in your own way. There’s no hidden superpower or special training needed for my daily life, just like there isn’t for yours. We both wake up and tackle a blend of tasks we love and those we must do, whether we like it or not. The mere difference in our to-do lists is irrelevant.

‘And what about the kids?’

At this year’s parent-teacher conference, the first thing the teacher mentioned was, “Your daughter must be the hardest working kid here! I see her first thing in the morning and she’s still at after-school care when I leave for the day. She must be worn out!” And there it was again, that phrase: “I don’t know how you do it.”

Given that my energetic child was sitting right next to me and her report indicated she was performing above expectations, what is the purpose of such a comment? Shouldn’t we be encouraging future generations to believe they can “have it all,” no matter what that looks like? Do we need to suggest to a 6-year-old, who is thriving, that her parents are somehow letting her down because they both work? Moreover, do we need to imply that the efforts of stay-at-home moms are less valuable? If I, as a working mother, am scaling Everest daily, what does that say about those mothers who choose to stay at home? Are their days any less demanding than mine?

Telling a working mom, “I don’t know how you do it,” is akin to telling a stay-at-home mom, “I don’t know how you do so little.” When I was a stay-at-home mom, I would have been infuriated by such a remark, and rightly so. I was climbing a different kind of Everest back then. Honestly, I challenge anyone to find a mother who isn’t putting in tremendous effort each day. The notion that one “type” of mother is outperforming another is completely absurd.

Admiring each other’s efforts is commendable, but it should be done in a way that uplifts rather than undermines one another. For more insights into parenting dynamics, check out this related post on Cervical Insemination. And if you’re considering options for at-home insemination, this reputable retailer offers quality syringe kits. Also, Hopkins Medicine provides excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.

In summary, let’s recognize that all mothers, regardless of their choices, are working hard in their own right. It’s time to celebrate one another without comparisons or implications of inadequacy.