Parenting
Let’s Take a Cross-Country Road Trip (With Three Wild Kids)
by Jordan Anderson
Updated: May 27, 2021
Originally Published: March 20, 2015
In a moment of tipsy spontaneity, I once made the questionable proposal to my fiancée, Jamie, “Let’s take a road trip to Cleveland.” While Cleveland has its charm and is actually my hometown, it’s a hefty 2,400 miles from our cozy spot in San Diego. Is it an adventure? Sure. But given that we’ve somehow accumulated three kids under three years old, it’s probably not the most logical idea.
Our first-day goal was to reach Phoenix, where we hoped to snag a night at a luxurious four-star resort for about $65—a typical summer rate in that desert city. We figured the kids could manage the five-hour drive; a bit of napping, some screen time, and, of course, a few snacks to keep them calm would do the trick. How naive we were!
Less than two hours into our journey, chaos erupted. All three boys were wailing and shouting—nonstop. Normally, we could pacify them with toys or snacks, but they had zero interest. Our almost three-year-old, the self-appointed leader of the group, made it clear we needed to stop. “I wanna get out!” he shouted, forcing us to pull over.
After a pit stop for some greasy fries at a fly-ridden In-N-Out, we got back on the road. Our two oldest seemed satisfied with the peace offering and appeared ready to cooperate for the remaining three-hour leg. They gave it a valiant effort. As any parent will tell you, though, kids can be sweet when they want to be—but that sweetness can evaporate in a heartbeat. Just 15 minutes later, it was pandemonium again.
We crammed five people into our Mazda minivan, and the tension was palpable. The boys’ screams were driving me up the wall. I glanced at Jamie and asked, “Should we just turn around?” Neither of us had the guts to answer. We just had to get to Phoenix, but “there” felt infinitely far away. Just as I settled into that mindset, flashing police lights appeared in my rearview mirror.
As an eight-year-old, I had a run-in with the police for riding on a friend’s moped. Four years later, I was unjustly confronted by law enforcement for walking home from a school dance. So, I wasn’t exactly eager to see a cop now. I adopted the “black man pulled over with white woman” posture: hands on the wheel, eyes ahead, and mentally prepped to switch my speech from African American Vernacular English to Standard American English.
The officer leaned in, asked for my papers, and questioned why I was speeding. “How fast was I going, sir?” I replied, trying to remain calm. “87,” he said with a skeptical look. I glanced at Jamie, who couldn’t hear over the boys’ racket. “He said 87, but I doubt I was going that fast…”—though I knew I probably was.
After a tense moment, the officer decided to give me a fix-it ticket instead of a speeding citation. We made it to Phoenix around midnight, tired and frazzled, carrying sleepy kids and way too much luggage to our suite. Relieved, Jamie and I indulged in the minibar, and one drink led to another. Just as I thought we could unwind, our three-year-old walked in, giving us that innocent, confused grin. Cue the panic as we scrambled to cover up!
As we continued our journey through Arizona and New Mexico, we developed a system to cope with the madness. I drove most of the time, with a baby toilet and cooler in the front seat. Jamie sat behind me, trying to console the kids while juggling the newborn’s car seat. Our mission was to bypass small towns and reach a major city each day. We stopped every couple of hours at malls or playgrounds—anything to let the kids run around or take a much-needed bathroom break.
After a surprisingly quiet night in Albuquerque, we hit the road again, but the boys were not having it. Waking up in a strange place sent them into a frenzy of hair-pulling and toy fights. The solution? Let them ride the luggage cart while I pushed it through the lobby, trying to avoid any side-eye from the hotel staff.
As the hours passed, the scenery blurred together. Everything began to look the same, and making it to Oklahoma City seemed increasingly unlikely. But we couldn’t resist a pitstop for the annual Texas Longhorn Cattle Drive in Amarillo. Our kids were momentarily entertained, though the oldest soon threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t let him ride the cows.
After a chaotic evening in Oklahoma City, we implemented our new hotel check-in strategy—Amber would get the keys while I managed the kids and luggage. My goal was to find a cold beer to unwind. Luckily, a nearby 7-Eleven was open late, and I treated myself to a couple of tall boys, feeling the weight of the trip lift.
Next up was St. Louis, which was only eight hours from Oklahoma City but somehow felt like an eternity with the kids. Upon arrival, we were greeted by a post-concert crowd of tipsy Rod Stewart fans, and of course, the kids woke up just as we got out of the car. The hotel was attached to a mall that had closed for the night, but a friendly concert-goer let us back in, saving us from a potential meltdown.
The little ones couldn’t contain their excitement once we got to our room, jumping on the beds like it was a trampoline. It reminded me of family trips from my childhood, where just being somewhere different was enough to create joyful memories. But then it hit me—my kids probably wouldn’t even remember this trip.
Eventually, we reached Ohio and visited Jamie’s family before finally arriving in Cleveland. It was a surprisingly pleasant day, reminiscent of San Diego weather. Three generations of our family gathered on the porch, sharing stories and laughter, while the boys put on their best show for their amused grandparents.
In retrospect, despite the chaos and stress, the journey became a bonding experience for Jamie and me. The next time you’re considering an ambitious road trip with kids, remember to keep your sense of humor intact. For more tips on family travel and home insemination, check out this link. If you’re looking for a reliable insemination kit, visit this reputable online retailer.
Summary:
This article follows a couple’s adventurous yet chaotic road trip across the United States with their three young children. From navigating tantrums and police encounters to finding humor in the madness, the journey explores the challenges and rewards of family travel. Ultimately, it highlights the importance of creating lasting memories, even if the kids may not remember them.
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