“Mom, you know what’s really annoying?”
“What’s that, sweetie?”
“Every time I know the answer, my teacher never picks me. But when I’m uncertain, she calls on me!”
“I totally get that; I’ve been there too.”
“And the worst part is, she always gives the easy questions to the smart kids.”
The phrase “smart kids” lingered in the air, almost like a heavy weight pressing down between us. I paused, momentarily distracted from the pile of clothes I was folding, my mind racing through the myriad of responses I could offer. My first instinct was to echo the familiar mantra that there are no inherently “smart kids,” echoing the growth mindset philosophy recently introduced at her school. It emphasizes that intelligence is tied to effort, not just innate ability. Yet, her words echoed relentlessly in my mind, and I struggled to articulate a response.
Later that evening, while my husband and I tackled another round of laundry, I expressed my concern about her use of the term “smart kids.” Where had she even encountered this idea? How had she, just weeks into first grade, managed to identify which classmates fit this label? And why was she already starting to perceive herself as outside of that group?
What troubled me was not just her use of the term, but the fact that I had uttered similar phrases throughout my own childhood—probably even during my time in college and medical school. While I no longer vocalize it as freely, I still notice how adults evaluate their intelligence in everyday situations. Am I keeping up with my colleagues? Will I seem foolish at dinner with more experienced individuals? Why does someone else seem to articulate ideas so effortlessly while I struggle?
Reflecting on my own past, I recalled how, at 16, I preferred to be around the “smart kids” because they amused me. At 23, I sought the “smart kids” in study groups to motivate myself. At every stage, I found myself drawn to those I deemed “smart.” Yet, I never felt less intelligent by recognizing others’ abilities. So why did this now feel so complex?
Perhaps it’s because we grapple with the realities we acknowledge versus those we shield from the perceived innocence of our children. I know that after sharing this, some may eagerly speculate about who my daughter meant by that term. It’s a fantasy to deny that such assessments happen at any age.
While it feels uncomfortable to let her observations remain unchallenged, it would be far more damaging to dismiss her reality or make her doubt her own social insights. I choose to validate her feelings and encourage her to share her thoughts with me openly. I will continue to stress that her success will stem from her dedication and remind her that “smart” is just one of many admirable qualities in others.
Maybe this approach isn’t perfect, but it’s my best effort, and that’s sufficient for now.
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Summary:
Navigating the perceptions of intelligence in children can be challenging for parents. It’s essential to validate a child’s observations while encouraging a growth mindset. Recognizing and affirming their feelings fosters open communication and helps them understand that intelligence is multifaceted and not solely defined by comparisons to others.