November 12, 2023
In the last month of my first pregnancy, my partner and I endured several nights of birthing classes. During the final session, we discussed postpartum mood disorders, specifically postpartum anxiety (PPA), which can be prevalent among women with prior mental health issues. As someone with a past diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, I felt a nagging concern as I nudged my partner, Jake, and whispered, “That’s me.” We thought we were well-prepared to handle any potential issues that might arise after childbirth.
However, our optimistic expectations shattered the moment our daughter, Lily, entered the world. The initial weeks were a whirlwind of breastfeeding challenges and hormonal surges, but I didn’t feel depressed—at least, not in the traditional sense. Instead, I was gripped by a range of overwhelming emotions:
- Fear
While I could express some of my fears, like needing the lights on at night to constantly check on Lily, other times I felt an indescribable sense of dread, particularly when the sun set. - Catastrophic Thinking
My imagination went wild; breastfeeding issues twisted into fears of lifelong developmental issues, and a few minutes of crying seemed to indicate that we were doomed to sleepless nights forever. - Irritability
I had never been prone to anger, yet I found myself constantly on edge, often lashing out at Jake, who was trying his best to support me. - Regret
One day, I spotted two young women at the store, carefree and laughing. They represented everything I thought I had lost: friendship and freedom. I fled in tears, convinced I had made a terrible mistake in becoming a mother. - Emotional Detachment
When a friend remarked on my newborn’s scent and how I would jump in front of a bus to protect her, I forced a smile. Deep down, I wondered if I would ever feel that level of connection. I mistakenly called Lily by the wrong pronouns and struggled to recognize her features. - Intrusive Thoughts
Thoughts of accidents and worst-case scenarios flooded my mind, accompanied by vivid, distressing imagery that I couldn’t shake. - Sleep Disruptions
Though sleep deprivation is common for new parents, my insomnia was severe. When I finally managed to sleep, I experienced nightmares and unsettling hallucinations, making rest nearly impossible. - Compulsive Behaviors
I clung to meaningless rituals in an attempt to regain control, believing that the order of bedtime songs or the way her clothes were arranged would somehow influence her sleep patterns.
Although I didn’t fit the mold of postpartum depression, I was overwhelmed by anxiety, anger, and confusion. I had no language for these feelings, which I mistakenly attributed to motherhood itself. I would often dismiss my experiences, thinking they were just part of the new mom journey—until they became too extreme and persistent to overlook.
The turning point came after a lactation consultation when a pediatrician reached out to check on me and suggested the term postpartum anxiety. The relief I felt was immediate; I finally had a name for what I was experiencing, and it was distinctly different from depression.
Within a week, I sought help from a social worker and a psychiatrist. My anxiety began to taper off gradually, with significant improvements occurring when we started sleep training, shifted my work situation, and as I weaned Lily. Now, two years later, I am free from those symptoms. Yet, the fear of experiencing postpartum anxiety again lingers as I consider expanding my family.
My hope is that by sharing my story, others will recognize they are not alone. If your experience of motherhood feels overwhelming, know that it doesn’t have to be this way. My daughter is now the greatest joy in my life, a happiness postpartum anxiety initially kept me from envisioning.
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Summary:
Postpartum anxiety can profoundly impact new mothers, often manifesting as fear, irritability, and intrusive thoughts rather than traditional depression. Understanding these symptoms is crucial for seeking help and alleviating the overwhelming feelings that can accompany motherhood. With the right support and resources, it’s possible to find joy in the journey of parenthood.