Navigating single parenthood after 40 brings a unique set of challenges and revelations. One significant aspect I’ve identified is the nature of choices, which I like to refer to as the “OR” phenomenon.
No, I’m not referencing an operating room, although life after 40 might sometimes feel like a surgical procedure. Instead, I’m talking about the conjunction “or.” You know how during an arrest they recite Miranda rights, mentioning the right to an attorney or one appointed? That’s what I mean by “OR.”
After a divorce, you often find yourself faced with the decision of time OR money. Unfortunately, the reality is that you may end up with neither. It’s rare for both parents to enjoy a healthy balance of time and finances, especially if one or both are not in a high-earning bracket. Typically, the one with more resources ends up with more financial stability, while the other is left managing the day-to-day parenting tasks. For instance, in my case, I received more time with the kids, while my ex-husband secured the finances.
While I may have the less demanding job—at least until the bills come in—I now find myself choosing between lavish birthday celebrations or a safe, comfortable home. The parent with the more lucrative job often gets to play the hero, taking the kids on extravagant trips or buying them the latest gadgets. Sometimes, though, I wonder if they fully grasp the implications of their choices, like when my ex gifted our child a video game filled with adult themes he hadn’t even reviewed.
And then there’s the personal aspect of aging: women over 40 often face the dilemma of choosing between their appearance—do they focus on their face or their figure? This struggle isn’t exclusive to single parents; it’s a universal challenge. Maintaining a fit physique often comes at the cost of other aspects, like skin elasticity. With my relaxed approach to fitness, I’ve retained a youthful face, but I know it’s a delicate balance.
In my life as a single working mom, the “OR” concept manifests in everyday decisions. I can prepare a nutritious meal OR tackle the mountain of emails waiting for me. During that precious hour between 5 and 6 PM, I often find myself deciding whether to cook a homemade dish or to settle for takeout. Some nights, that choice leans toward convenience, and we end up with takeout in front of the TV.
Vacations present their own sets of “OR” decisions. When the budget allows, I can take my kids on trips that I choose—provided the finances are in order, of course. While I no longer consider snowbound cabins a vacation, the reality of traveling with children means I often find myself taking charge of cooking and cleaning even while away. I can choose to enjoy a beautiful rental OR actually relax, and sometimes the effort seems hardly worth it.
This phase of life also introduces an array of “ANDs.” You juggle the laundry AND the dishes, and while this is often true during marriage as well, it’s the notion of having a partner to share these burdens that can be comforting. The idea of having someone else handle some of the load makes the daily grind a little lighter—even if it’s just wishful thinking.
Ultimately, I’ve decided I don’t have to choose between one glass of wine or another; I’ll gladly enjoy both.
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Summary:
In single parenting after 40, decisions often revolve around the balance of time and money, impacting daily life and personal choices. The struggles of managing responsibilities and self-care highlight the complex nature of parenthood at this age.